Otters back to f**k shit up

OTTERS have returned to the UK’s riverbanks and it’s gonna be off the chain, it has emerged.

The semi-aquatic mammals have re-established themselves in every English county, following a short spell on the endangered list caused by too much partying.

Adult male otter Flinty DM said: “We back yo and shit is gonna be LIVE.

“Now’s the time to take back the r-bank, bring the real deal party feel, get crunk all night long.

“S’up to all the freaks, all the conservationists, the reed bed crew, the mustelid family. Holla!”

He added: “Minks and stoats been talking shit, saying we were extinct. Fuck those haters.”

Less than a decade ago, otters faced extinction after the species picked up a debilitating addiction to cough syrup which left them too drowsy to reproduce.

But the recent surge in otter numbers has been greeted with cautious enthusiasm by naturalists.

Dr Tom Logan said: “Our key challenge now is to stop the otters getting too fucked up to catch any fish and consequently nearly dying out again.

“Also their music tends to keep the other species awake. Especially the water voles, which have sensitive ears and a particular aversion to heavy bass frequencies.”