AS the first weekend of spring begins, the British countryside has come alive with rampant sex.
COUNCILS across the south east have introduced a blanket ban on having an opinion about the hosepipe ban.
EXPERTS have called for hippies to be turned away from Antarctica to stop them ruining it.
BONOBO monkeys are disgusting, according to new research.
SNOWY weather will result in a million of pictures of nothing much, experts have warned.
THE decline in marine life may in some way be connected to all the shit, piss and bleach pumped in there every single day by everyone in the world, it has been claimed.
STAY off the moors, yokels have warned.
PEOPLE who continually insist the days are getting longer are leaving a
trail of psychological destruction across Britain, it has emerged.