Environment

Hippies banned from Antarctic

EXPERTS have called for hippies to be turned away from Antarctica to stop them ruining it.

Nasty little monkeys do horrible things

BONOBO monkeys are disgusting, according to new research.

UK braced for mediocre weather photography

SNOWY weather will result in a million of pictures of nothing much, experts have warned.

Decline in marine life possibly due to all the shit in the sea, say experts

THE decline in marine life may in some way be connected to all the shit, piss and bleach pumped in there every single day by everyone in the world, it has been claimed.

Werewolf!

STAY off the moors, yokels have warned.

The days are getting longer, say cheerful dickheads

PEOPLE who continually insist the days are getting longer are leaving a trail of psychological destruction across Britain, it has emerged.

Mild winter brings no moral lesson for lazy grasshopper

BRITAIN'S relatively pleasant winter weather has taught absolutely nothing to an idle grasshopper that ignored the advice of an industrious ant.

Take Me Out contestants shot dead after escape from holding pen

THIRTY-FOUR participants in television rutting event Take Me Out have been killed by ITV rangers after escaping from their secure backstage enclosure.