Government publishes latest made-up HS2 figures

THE high speed rail line between London and Birmingham will boost the economy by an enormous made-up number, it has been confirmed.

Advanced wasp civilization trying to communicate with humans

WASPS are desperately trying to share their advanced scientific and philosophical knowledge with humans.

Jesus Christ get it off my face, says scientist

THE scientist who discovered a new ferret-like mammal is pleading with colleagues to somehow get it off his face.

Shitloads of pandas everywhere by 2084

GIANT pandas will become a common pest in the UK as they breed uncontrollably, it has emerged.

Men die of horniness in one-day heatwave

YESTERDAY'S 24-hour heatwave has claimed the lives of nine men who were overwhelmed by sex thoughts.

That flower was gagging for it, says bee

A BEE has described giving a good-looking purple flower the pollinating of its life.

Dolphins slag each other off

DOLPHINS have been observed displaying two-faced behaviour.