Everything shagging

AS the first weekend of spring begins, the British countryside has come alive with rampant sex.

Hosepipe ban conversation ban

COUNCILS across the south east have introduced a blanket ban on having an opinion about the hosepipe ban.

Hippies banned from Antarctic

EXPERTS have called for hippies to be turned away from Antarctica to stop them ruining it.

Nasty little monkeys do horrible things

BONOBO monkeys are disgusting, according to new research.

UK braced for mediocre weather photography

SNOWY weather will result in a million of pictures of nothing much, experts have warned.

Decline in marine life possibly due to all the shit in the sea, say experts

THE decline in marine life may in some way be connected to all the shit, piss and bleach pumped in there every single day by everyone in the world, it has been claimed.


STAY off the moors, yokels have warned.

The days are getting longer, say cheerful dickheads

PEOPLE who continually insist the days are getting longer are leaving a trail of psychological destruction across Britain, it has emerged.