Environment

Swan reveals bone-breaking technique

BRITAIN'S most aggressive swan has explained the mysterious technique that allows his species to break your arm or leg.

Green light for Somerset virgin sacrifice

RESIDENTS of flood-threatened Somerset have offered up the lives of two fair maidens.

C02 emissions to be stored in your spare room

THE spare room you've been meaning to turn into an office will instead used to store carbon dioxide, it has emerged.

Pandas demand masking tape

KEEPERS at Edinburgh Zoo have received a series of alarming requests from the two giant pandas in its mating room.

Tiny hippo exerts evil psychic influence

A PYGMY hippo calf is using mind powers to exert a malevolent hold on those around him, it has been claimed.

Ticks struggling with self-esteem

THE majority of ticks have a poor self-image, it has been claimed.

Everything shagging

AS the first weekend of spring begins, the British countryside has come alive with rampant sex.

Hosepipe ban conversation ban

COUNCILS across the south east have introduced a blanket ban on having an opinion about the hosepipe ban.