Joyless carp-processing season begins

THOUSANDS of men have resumed their hobby of processing carp at man-made industrial carp holes.

Coalition 'to last at least another week', warn forecasters

THE coalition which has blighted the summer could last until August, it has been claimed.

Flood victims finally getting the blame they deserve

PEOPLE whose houses have flooded are responsible for most of society's ills, it has emerged.

Britain's heap of shit weather explained

WE only have ourselves to blame for the current awful weather, it has emerged.

Relief as Britons allowed to water their swamps

THOUSANDS of relieved gardeners are finally able to water the swamp-like areas attached to their houses, as the hosepipe ban is lifted.

Big grey clouds verbally abusing the UK

DARK clouds have started to hurl insults as well as rain at the British Isles.

Wolves desperate to appear on tasteful clothes

WOLVES are furious at being depicted on tat including poor quality fleece jackets and cheap t-shirts, it has emerged.

100-year-old tortoise dies after 78-year bender

LONESOME George, a tortoise believed to be the last of his species, has expired after a 78-year drugs and alcohol binge.