Jesus Christ get it off my face, says scientist

THE scientist who discovered a new ferret-like mammal is pleading with colleagues to somehow get it off his face.

Shitloads of pandas everywhere by 2084

GIANT pandas will become a common pest in the UK as they breed uncontrollably, it has emerged.

Men die of horniness in one-day heatwave

YESTERDAY'S 24-hour heatwave has claimed the lives of nine men who were overwhelmed by sex thoughts.

That flower was gagging for it, says bee

A BEE has described giving a good-looking purple flower the pollinating of its life.

Dolphins slag each other off

DOLPHINS have been observed displaying two-faced behaviour.

Birth of royal baby pushes human population beyond sustainability

THE royal birth represents the population 'tipping point' beyond which the planet cannot sustain human life.