Oil Well Capped Before Everyone Realises It's Their Fault

THE ruptured oil pipe in the Gulf of Mexico has been capped just minutes before everyone realised it had all been their fault.

Animals Obstructing Progress

SUPERFLUOUS wildlife is still hampering vital progress in the logging and fast food industries, it was claimed last night.

Met Office Finally Blamed

AFTER five days of disciplined self-control Britain finally gave in last night and blamed the Met Office for volcanoes.

Climatologists Claim Planet Is Haunted

GLOBAL warming is probably being caused by ghosts, climate scientists claimed last night.

Zoology admits defeat over cocks, tits and beavers

BEAVERS are to be renamed 'riverdogs' after zoologists finally conceded defeat to the overwhelming forces of sexual innuendo.

Green Campaign Urges Drivers To Get Wedged Under Lorry

THE government's latest green motoring campaign is urging drivers to switch off their engines and get wedged under a massive lorry.

Sunderland To Build Car That Won't Reach Doncaster

THE Nissan factory in Sunderland is to produce a new electric car that will be unable to get as far as Doncaster.

Organic Shoppers Rewarded With Right To Commit Evil

SHOPPERS are being offered the chance to use ethical purchases to 'offset' acts of unspeakable foulness.