Pandas demand masking tape

KEEPERS at Edinburgh Zoo have received a series of alarming requests from the two giant pandas in its mating room.

Tiny hippo exerts evil psychic influence

A PYGMY hippo calf is using mind powers to exert a malevolent hold on those around him, it has been claimed.

Ticks struggling with self-esteem

THE majority of ticks have a poor self-image, it has been claimed.

Everything shagging

AS the first weekend of spring begins, the British countryside has come alive with rampant sex.

Hosepipe ban conversation ban

COUNCILS across the south east have introduced a blanket ban on having an opinion about the hosepipe ban.

Hippies banned from Antarctic

EXPERTS have called for hippies to be turned away from Antarctica to stop them ruining it.

Nasty little monkeys do horrible things

BONOBO monkeys are disgusting, according to new research.

UK braced for mediocre weather photography

SNOWY weather will result in a million of pictures of nothing much, experts have warned.