Pandas already drunk

TWO giant pandas were very drunk within 15 minutes of arriving in Scotland, it has emerged.

Frozen Planet 'gave whisky to penguins'

EMPEROR penguins in the hit wildlife series Frozen Planet are given shots of whisky so they act-up for the cameras, it has been claimed.

Bees to be privatised

BRITAIN'S bees are to be privatised in a bid to reverse their decline.

Wasps - in November, says everyone

THERE are still wasps, everyone told everyone else this morning.

Autumn colours spectacular and all that shit

THIS year's autumn leaves are looking amazing if that's the kind of thing you're into.

Yeo Valley adverts 'making public lose fear of farmers'

THE public has been warned to keep away from farmers after a yoghurt fan was shot while asking a Welsh herdsman to 'bust some rhymes'.

Smoking ruins don't need electricity, says Cameron

DAVID Cameron has said domestic energy bills will tumble once everybody's house is a pile of rubble.

Britain to be hit by entirely typical weather

TEMPERATURES in the UK are going to fall sharply over the coming weeks because that is what happens at this time of year, it has been claimed.