Humanity virus almost cured, says planet

PLANET Earth is celebrating after a major breakthrough in its battle against the deadly humanity virus.

Lambs disillusioned

MANY of this year's lambs are being born jaded.

Titanic II vows revenge on icebergs

TITANIC II has pledged to destroy all the world's icebergs.

Siberian wind will strip away your layers of tawdry self-delusion, says Met Office

A BITING wind from the haunted, barren plains of Siberia will expose the lies you tell yourself, the Met Office has confirmed.

Hornets going to sting anyone who uses them in racist simile

YELLOW-LEGGED hornets have promised to sting anyone who compares them to human immigrants.

Female panda 'just wants to stay friends'

THE UK's giant panda breeding hopes are in tatters after female Tian Tian announced she likes her prospective partner as a friend.