Everyone To Get A Flamethrower

THE government is to overcome Britain's inability to order grit by giving everyone their own flamethrower.

British Geography Teachers Can Point To All The Places Prince Andrew Has Played Golf

BRITAIN'S geography teachers last night gave a thrilling demonstration of their academic prowess by getting out a big map and pointing to each of the places Prince Andrew has played golf.

Glastonbury To Be Powered By Jugglers

ENERGY for next year's Glastonbury festival will be provided by a troupe of electromagnetic circus performers.

St Paul's To Become Sewage Plant

THE dome of St Paul's Cathedral will be able to process up to 30,000 tons of raw sewage a week, the government has confirmed.

Fury Over Death Of Britain's Biggest Cow

ANGER erupted across Britain last night after the nation's largest cow was found dead.

Fit An Energy Meter, Says Freddy Krueger

DISFIGURED child murderer Freddy Krueger has asked householders to consider the environment or he may have to tear out their spleens, it emerged last night.

Giant Yorkshiremen Found On Housing Estate

THINGS the size of a brick shithouse have been spotted roaming a Bradford housing estate.

Food Shortages Could Force Middle Class To Eat Chicken Mega-Tasteybites

AFFLUENT professionals could be forced to use town centre fried chicken outlets as over-population makes Waitrose-style food increasingly scarce.