Environment

Naturalists report sighting of elusive, rarely-seen Yodel driver

NATURE experts have reported a rare eyewitness sighting of a Yodel delivery driver.

Cat judging owner for taking it out on lead

A CAT being taken for a walk on a lead has condemned its owner as ‘a weirdo’, along with everyone else in the park.

Man wishes he wasn’t too British to scream at the rain

A MAN furious at a summer of constant rain wants to treat it with the blazing anger it deserves, but is too British to do so.

Uber to launch gondola app once Britain fully submerged by rain

UBER is preparing to launch a gondola service once Britain is completely under water.

Bathroom spider breaks unspoken agreement to remain in exact same spot

A SPIDER has broken an unspoken agreement to remain in the same highly visible spot in the bathroom.

I’m only glad I won’t live to see 2040, says tearful Clarkson

A WEEPING Jeremy Clarkson says he is only glad that he will not live to see the self-driving electric car dystopia that Britain will become.

Britain to be hit by entirely typical weather

BRITAIN will experience a lot of rain over the next few weeks because that is what happens at this time of year.

Brexit food shortages to turn allotment owners into gods

THE UK’s coming food shortages will make the nation’s allotment gardeners into the undisputed rulers of the country, experts predicted.