Environment

Pets demand constant unlimited supply of food

PETS of all species have demanded that unlimited amounts of food are made available to them at all times.

Obvious drug users ‘just out for a walk’ in field known for magic mushrooms

A GROUP of caners spotted in a Welsh valley noted for psilocybin mushrooms have claimed they were just getting some fresh air.

Rural residents unable to smell manure

LOCALS in a Somerset village have flatly denied claims of a pervasive smell of excrement.

Trafalgar Square pigeons to defy smoking ban

THE famous 40-a-day pigeons of Trafalgar Square are going to ignore new laws against smoking in public.

Greenpeace vows to destroy planet

FORMER environmental organisation Greenpeace has pledged to wipe out all animal species then blow up the planet.

Rail companies activate weather machine

PRIVATISED rail companies are using a weather machine to justify their piss-poor service, it has emerged.

Otters just wet cats

CATS and otters are the same animal.

There are no records of temperatures, Met Office admits

THE Met Office has confessed that no weather records have been kept because it seemed like a really boring thing to do.