Environment

Terminators to be released into Scottish highlands

CONSERVATIONISTS have defended controversial plans to release 300 terminators into the wilds of Scotland.

Suburban rats are loathsome social climbers

SO-CALLED ‘suburban’ rats are appalling bourgeois snobs, it has been claimed.

Hairy-backed men return to forests

MEN with hairy backs have given up trying to fit into civilisation and gone back to the woods from whence they came.

Britain slowly deflating

The UK is facing deflation after suffering a slow puncture somewhere near Kidderminster, experts have confirmed.

Britain braced for classic rock weather front

THE Met Office has warned that southern England is about to be hit by the sort of cross-fire hurricanes not seen since Mick Jagger was born.

Londoners hoping for enough snow to build homes

LONDON renters are hoping for enough snowfall to fashion their own crude igloo-style dwellings.

Midlands earthquake leaves trail of pound shops and coffee chains

AN earthquake centred in Rutland has left Midlands towns a bleak, devastated, landscape of nothing but Poundstretchers and Costa Coffees.

World hits snooze on Doomsday Clock again

THE world has greeted news that the Doomsday Clock stands at three minutes to midnight by reaching sleepily out and pressing the button that shuts it up.