Britain watches torrential rain with deep, primeval satisfaction

BRITAIN is unable to stop watching today’s heavy rain because it touches something deep in the national psyche.

It’s you or us, say giraffes

GIRAFFES have confirmed that they are fuelled by hate and plan to exterminate the human race.

Cat wins every fight by just getting in there instead of staring for ages

A CAT has realised that it can beat up any other cat by cutting out the preliminary staring.

Summer confirms ‘bold, original’ ending

SUMMER has decided to end suddenly for artistic reasons, it has confirmed.

Increasingly evil and cunning seagulls open lettings agency

SEAGULLS have cemented their position as humanity’s arch-enemy by opening a lettings agency specialising in ‘luxury studio flats’.

Dogs actually car’s best friend

DOGS have confirmed that their most meaningful relationship is actually with cars.

Snow leopards everywhere

SNOW leopards are probably in your house right now, according to wildlife experts.

We charge diesel drivers extra because they’re dirty bastards, say oil companies

DIESEL costs more than petrol as punishment for diesel motorists’ uncleanliness, oil companies have admitted.