Britain to get retractable roof

THE UK is to ditch Trident and spend the £170 billion savings on a retractable roof to cover the entire country.

Man mows lawn for insane length of time

A MAN’S neighbours are wondering how he could have spent such an insane amount of time mowing a fairly small lawn.

Londoners now convinced rural England is basically 'Deliverance'

PRO-EU voters in London now believe the country’s rural communities are filled with utterly terrifying rednecks.

Patriotic ant snubbed at Queen’s birthday picnic

AN ANT who fervently supports the monarchy was disgusted by his treatment at the Queen’s picnic lunch, he has revealed.

Woman treats weather app like some kind of tribal god that cannot be questioned

A WOMAN reads out the predictions of her weather app like a shaman receiving messages from an ancient god, it has emerged.

Butterflies and bees thank Muhammad Ali for the compliment

BUTTERFLY and bee populations have paid tribute to Muhammad Ali and thanked him for his gracious compliment.

But it was raining here, say perplexed Londoners

LONDONERS are struggling to understand claims that Britain enjoyed a day of wonderful sunshine yesterday when they did not.

Gorillas wearily accept that humans are just not that evolved

GORILLAS have confirmed they will continue to patiently tolerate the less evolved human species.