THE arrival of spring has left Britain’s flowers feeling miserable about returning to work, they have revealed.
BEN Nevis will awake and wreak terrible vengeance on England if Irn Bru is taxed, geologists have confirmed.
AN UNDERGROUND road between Manchester and Leeds will disprove the theory that all tunnels have a light at the end of them, it has been claimed.
BRITAIN’S warmest winter on record has still been a nightmare of rain and darkness, it has been confirmed.
BRITONS are absolutely delighted to be enjoying an extra day of their favourite month of the year.
POLAR bears are to be set free into the Scottish countryside for the hell of it.
A FAT bastard of a pigeon has announced that he will continue to be a prick to other, smaller pigeons.
ARCHAEOLOGISTS believe that Bronze Age families lived much like the middle class of today, with lots of wooden stuff and artisanal pottery.
- Starfish washes up on beach and gets carried around in dog’s mouth
- Cameron reluctantly pulls on wellies and prepares to wank out some fake sympathy
- Wales not sure how it could be more prepared for rain
- Snowfall in unimportant 70 per cent of country may hit London, forecasters warn
- Coldness confirmed during neighbour climate summit