Environment

Flowers pissed off about being back at work

THE arrival of spring has left Britain’s flowers feeling miserable about returning to work, they have revealed.

Ben Nevis will wake up if Irn Bru is taxed

BEN Nevis will awake and wreak terrible vengeance on England if Irn Bru is taxed, geologists have confirmed.

Manchester-Leeds link to disprove ‘light at end of tunnel’ theory

AN UNDERGROUND road between Manchester and Leeds will disprove the theory that all tunnels have a light at the end of them, it has been claimed.

Warmest winter on record still utterly horrible

BRITAIN’S warmest winter on record has still been a nightmare of rain and darkness, it has been confirmed.

An extra day of February, how f**king fantastic, says Britain

BRITONS are absolutely delighted to be enjoying an extra day of their favourite month of the year.

Scotland to release polar bears into wild just to see what happens

POLAR bears are to be set free into the Scottish countryside for the hell of it.

Big fat pigeon to continue being a prick to smaller pigeons

A FAT bastard of a pigeon has announced that he will continue to be a prick to other, smaller pigeons.

Bronze Age families 'lived like middle class twats'

ARCHAEOLOGISTS believe that Bronze Age families lived much like the middle class of today, with lots of wooden stuff and artisanal pottery.