Environment

Scientists find shorter python that compensates with sense of humour

SCIENTISTS have discovered a python of below average length that makes up for it by cracking jokes.

Dogs demand rational explanation for farts

THE UK’s baffled dogs have demanded to know what farts are, it has emerged.

Cat forms emotional bond with human

A CAT has become the first of his species to actively like a human being.

Flowers pissed off about being back at work

THE arrival of spring has left Britain’s flowers feeling miserable about returning to work, they have revealed.

Ben Nevis will wake up if Irn Bru is taxed

BEN Nevis will awake and wreak terrible vengeance on England if Irn Bru is taxed, geologists have confirmed.

Manchester-Leeds link to disprove ‘light at end of tunnel’ theory

AN UNDERGROUND road between Manchester and Leeds will disprove the theory that all tunnels have a light at the end of them, it has been claimed.

Warmest winter on record still utterly horrible

BRITAIN’S warmest winter on record has still been a nightmare of rain and darkness, it has been confirmed.

An extra day of February, how f**king fantastic, says Britain

BRITONS are absolutely delighted to be enjoying an extra day of their favourite month of the year.