Britain told to stop doing things that require ‘wet wiping’

WHATEVER it is you are doing with a wet wipe needs to stop immediately, experts have warned.

Orville is UK's national bird

BRITAIN'S national bird is Orville, the ultimately unsuccessful duck.

Terminators to be released into Scottish highlands

CONSERVATIONISTS have defended controversial plans to release 300 terminators into the wilds of Scotland.

Suburban rats are loathsome social climbers

SO-CALLED ‘suburban’ rats are appalling bourgeois snobs, it has been claimed.

Hairy-backed men return to forests

MEN with hairy backs have given up trying to fit into civilisation and gone back to the woods from whence they came.

Britain slowly deflating

The UK is facing deflation after suffering a slow puncture somewhere near Kidderminster, experts have confirmed.

Britain braced for classic rock weather front

THE Met Office has warned that southern England is about to be hit by the sort of cross-fire hurricanes not seen since Mick Jagger was born.

Londoners hoping for enough snow to build homes

LONDON renters are hoping for enough snowfall to fashion their own crude igloo-style dwellings.