SPRING will bypass the UK this year after deciding that to arrive so late would be unbearably awkward.
FREEZING Britons expect the newly-Arctic UK to lead to a spate of compelling crime-based television.
EVEN small children have run out of patience with the snow, it has emerged.
PLANET Earth is celebrating after a major breakthrough in its battle against the deadly humanity virus.
MANY of this year's lambs are being born jaded.
TITANIC II has pledged to destroy all the world's icebergs.