STAY off the moors, yokels have warned.
PEOPLE who continually insist the days are getting longer are leaving a
trail of psychological destruction across Britain, it has emerged.
BRITAIN'S relatively pleasant winter weather has taught absolutely nothing to an idle grasshopper that ignored the advice of an industrious ant.
THIRTY-FOUR participants in television rutting event Take Me Out have been killed by ITV rangers after escaping from their secure backstage enclosure.
CLAIMS that Britain's green energy revolution will cost consumers thousands of pounds have been dismissed by people who believe it is going to be windy.
THE scientist who discovered how large birds achieve erection has urged his colleagues not to name it after him.
TWO giant pandas were very drunk within 15 minutes of arriving in Scotland, it has emerged.
EMPEROR penguins in the hit wildlife series Frozen Planet are given shots of whisky so they act-up for the cameras, it has been claimed.