Environment

Rain dampens spirits

CLAIMS that rain wouldn’t dampen spirits at Glastonbury and Wimbledon this weekend have been proved wrong.

Stop asking us about f*cking football results, say octopuses

OCTOPUSES have confirmed that they are not psychic and would prefer to be left alone.

Human personality just a reaction to weather

YOUR thoughts and feelings are dictated by whether it is sunny.

Please don’t throw us, beg snails

SNAILS have asked gardeners to kindly not lob them over the fence.

Weekend will not be sticky and bothersome, says Britain

BRITAIN is absolutely positive the weekend heatwave will be free of discomfort, arguments and the doing of too many things.

Sharks interesting

SHARKS are really interesting, it has been confirmed.

Massive rats just want to get on your face at night

BRITAIN'S 2ft super-rats have said they only want to scrabble about on your sleeping body.

Climate change still not terrifying enough

IF scientists want us to be scared of climate change they are going to have to try a lot harder, it has been confirmed.