Environment

We charge diesel drivers extra because they’re dirty bastards, say oil companies

DIESEL costs more than petrol as punishment for diesel motorists’ uncleanliness, oil companies have admitted.

Foxes regret voting Tory

FOXES who voted Conservative were not expecting the government to start killing them again.

Sun unhealthily interested in bikini-clad women

THE sun is shining hard to encourage women into states of undress, it has emerged.

Trains to run on lorries

RAIL upgrades will be ditched in favour of putting trains on the backs of lorries, the government has confirmed.

Scotland arms grouse

THE SNP is to provide all grouse with sidearms and training before the start of shooting season.

Humanity to keep tweeting positive slogans until point of extinction

HUMANS will continue posting upbeat sayings on social media until the very last person dies, it has emerged.

Pollen told to f**k off

EXTREMELY high pollen readings across the UK today will correspond with pollen being sworn at and blamed for everything.

London hedgehogs survive by being bastards

HEDGEHOGS in London have survived by emulating the rude, pushy behaviour of their human counterparts.