Environment

100-year-old tortoise dies after 78-year bender

LONESOME George, a tortoise believed to be the last of his species, has expired after a 78-year drugs and alcohol binge.

Wales returns to being an undersea kingdom

THE country of Wales has returned to its natural submerged state.

Scott team had 'penguin wives'

CAPTAIN Scott and his team married female penguins during their trip to the Antarctic, it has emerged.

Water vole has a massive go at heron

WATER voles are no longer taking shit off predators, it has emerged.

Britain pathetically excited about sunshine

THE prospect of decent weather has inspired truly heartbreaking levels of joy across the UK.

Swan reveals bone-breaking technique

BRITAIN'S most aggressive swan has explained the mysterious technique that allows his species to break your arm or leg.

Green light for Somerset virgin sacrifice

RESIDENTS of flood-threatened Somerset have offered up the lives of two fair maidens.

C02 emissions to be stored in your spare room

THE spare room you've been meaning to turn into an office will instead used to store carbon dioxide, it has emerged.