the dailymash

'We saved more than £200 a year'

Stressing the country has about eight weeks left before it loses its collective shit and takes it out on everyone within a half-mile radius, the prime minister believes comparative energy shopping will become less of a priority.

Cameron has also assured voters that if all their white goods have been taken at machete-point, their electricity bills should start to fall within two or three months.

Announcing a summit meeting with the six companies who will be selling energy to giant prisons and drug lords, he said: “If you’ve had your boiler ripped out by a Mohican-sporting maniac to help construct a nearby thunderdome, your gas bill is going to more manageable.

“Meanwhile nothing keeps a family warm quite like building a makeshift barricade to protect their last tin of beans from a baying horde.”

The government will send eight million homes a letter on energy savings which can be burnt to provide several seconds worth of heat or light, but experts have warned that mail being delivered in a post-apocalyptic wasteland could every bit as bad as that Kevin Costner film.

The move comes as the average profit made by energy companies from each household increased dramatically after they realised they could do whatever the fuck they wanted and nobody could stop them.

Electricity bastard, Tom Logan, said: “It’s a liberating moment when you suddenly realise that if people don’t like what you’re doing, they can try writing a letter of complaint with their frozen hands. In the dark.”