St Paul's To Become Sewage Plant
THE dome of St Paul’s Cathedral will be able to process up to 30,000 tons of raw sewage a week, the government has confirmed.
The cathedral will be refitted as the world’s largest consecrated cesspit, with Westminster Abbey being used as an overflow facility for excess human filth. Poet’s Corner will be renamed ‘The Geoffrey Chaucer Shitepump’.
Environment secretary Caroline Spelman said: “Anyone worried that the capital’s major attractions being filled with steaming faeces may affect the tourist trade obviously were not listening when I said that London will soon be an uninhabitable wasteland due to all the radioactive waste. Or did I not mention that?
“Well, anyway, it seems the Cenotaph is a perfect place to store all the depleted uranium we’re disposing of for China.
“But our scientists have assured us that there is no more than a 52% risk of this causing a mutated unknown solider to leap out of the tomb and embark on a hellish killing spree.”
The minister added: “The days of national treasures sitting idle are over and our country’s heritage needs to start earning its keep.
“For instance, generations of bored schoolchildren have been dragged around the National Gallery past majestic works of art they have no hope of ever owning or emulating, but they’ll be queuing round the block when we turn it into a landfill.”
Meanwhile St Paul’s current staff will be retrained for their new duties, with the Right Reverend Richard Chartres becoming the Metropolitan Director Of Effluence while the church organ will be used as a warning siren when there is a breach of Sir Christopher Wren’s masterpiece and 28 million gallons of liquid shite gush down Ludgate, which engineers estimate will be once every six days.