Tory donor kills lion but still fails to get full erection
MILLIONAIRE banker Sir David Scholey remains unable to achieve an erect penis despite shooting bullets into a lion, it has emerged.
Just thinking about the Brazilian mahogany tree this table was made from used to get him painfully hard
The former Bank of England director, who has not been fully engorged since Margaret Thatcher sank the Belgrano, was pictured with the lead-riddled former cat whose killing he had believed would reinvigorate his workshy genitals.
He said: “Despite being guaranteed a boner by the safari company, I felt only the merest stirring
“Perhaps a fleeting downstairs inflation at the creature’s final death throe, but that may just have been the African breeze entering my khakis.
“God knows what I must do to fully tumesce. Strangle the last of a rare species of fruit bat? Beat an antelope with a shovel? Crash a packed school bus into a rhino?
“I shall be a pariah among my Tory donor friends if they discover that I am no longer sexually aroused by death.”
Zambian anti-impotence safari companies charge up to £26K per day to take wealthy flaccid individuals to where some lions are, in a man-versus-nature scenario which would be thrilling and even-handed if the lions also had guns with telescopic sights and travelled in armoured vehicles.
A spokesman for Yes Massa Colonial Death Boner Holidays said: “We cannot guarantee penile safari engorgment. Perhaps Sir David is gay.”
African lion Bill McKay said: “Yesterday three of my friends were shot for no motherfucking reason.
“I know that makes me sound more like a rapper than a lion, but it’s still true.”
