Trapped fly struggling to keep a cool head

FLY Rob Hobbs is struggling to think logically after becoming trapped in a house.

‘I’m not going to lose it this time’

Fortnight-old insect Hobbs found himself a prisoner in a bedroom after being unable to recall how he entered the building.

He said: Be cool. Be cool. We can work this out.

The worst thing I could do right now is fly frenziedly around, crashing into windows and walls.

“I could damage my wings, or even crush my entire head, and then where would I be.”

Hobbs then careered around the room in crazed diagonal patterns as he grappled to regain self-control.

Somewhere there is going to be an open window. Just need to stay focused.

Fuuuuuuuuuck.

I need to get out of here, my life spans probably only another couple of days. No insect wants to die inside.

Its going to be fine.

Shit its not though, is it?”

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Woman's massive poppy clearly meant for van

THE enormous poppy pinned to a woman’s lapel was obviously designed to go on a vehicle.

Helen Archer, a 54-year old dog breeder from Bathgate, has been wearing a poppy of patriotically vast proportions since mid-September.

She said: “I got this one free with a multipack of antifreeze, and instantly realised that wearing anything else would be an insult to the memory of our troops.

“It isn’t easy to attach, because my coat doesn’t have a radiator grill.

“But what would The Unknown Soldier, or Andy McNab, or James Blunt say if they turned up in Bathgate and all I had to show them was a poppy scarf, a poppy hat, a poppy handbag and a poppy umbrella?”

She added that her poppy would stay on until Comic Relief weekend, when she intends to put it in a drawer and start wearing a huge cable-tied red nose.

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