Trees Will Not Become Unstoppable Killing Machines, Admit Climate Scientists

02-02-10

TREES will not uproot themselves and embark on blood-soaked killing sprees by 2035, global warming experts have admitted.

The IPCC headquarters in Geneva

The International Panel on Climate Change confirmed the evidence had not been peer-reviewed and will now amend the section of its 2007 report devoted to 'killer trees'.

A spokesman said: "It appears the claim was not based on new data or field research but on that bit with the angry, talking trees in Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.

"We're reviewing our procedures to determine how it made it into the final draft, though someone should probably have noticed the vivid description of the attack on Saruman's underground orc factory.

"There is a supplementary source, and yes it is that bit with the angry, talking trees in The Wizard of Oz.

"We still think there's a strong chance that trees will become sentient and take revenge on man for chopping down all their friends and turning them into spatulas, we're just not sure when."

The killer tree scandal is the latest embarrassment for the IPCC which has also been forced to withdraw claims that global warming will cause elephants to grow to more than 200ft tall and develop an extra pair of massive tusks after sceptics pointed out it was obviously from Lord of The Rings: The Return of the King.

The spokesman added: "You have to understand that for committed environmentalists, The Lord of the Rings is very, very special.

"Many of them think it's a documentary and one of them – I'm not mentioning any names but it's George Monbiot – actually thinks he's Samwise Gamgee."

 

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