Julian Cook of Ludlow knows full well that Prince William is the heir to the throne, beloved of his people and would never betray the monarchy like his apostate brother, but was disconcerted at how little substantive difference there was between the two.

He said: “Harry made a surprise appearance in black tie at the United For Freedom event at the Imperial War Museum. Meanwhile William appeared virtually at the Bowelbabe Fund Rebel Ball. The only difference I can tell is Harry actually turned up.

“In terms of bringing vital attention to their causes, raising funds to help others and using their celebrity for good, they seem identical. And looking at pictures you can’t actually see any difference at all. In fact Harry looks more Royal because he’s in a tux.

“We can’t continue like this as a nation, unable to tell which is the genuine working Royal blessing us with their saintly presence and which is a rogue Royal only doing it for their own self-serving ends.

“I suggest Harry should have to wear a placard saying ‘unclean’ and ring a bell and his wife should be tarred and feathered. That should eliminate any confusion.”

Prince William said: “I fully back this decision. And I’d actually come along to see it happen. Physically, not just a pre-record.”

Having trashed the premise of The Celebrity Traitors within minutes by blowing his cover, Richard E Grant has been torn a new one by the BBC for spoiling their one and only programme the public genuinely enjoys.

The BBC said: “There goes months of hype and speculation down the toilet, and we were barely an episode in. Cheers for that.

“We needed this. With Doctor Who off the air and Josh Widdicombe repelling audiences on Strictly, a bunch of celebs and King Kenny dicking about in a castle was all we had. Until you came along with your four-dimensional chess bullshit.

“You could’ve laughed off your revelation as a dumb joke, but no, you tripled down on it with your posho laugh. Pity the poor editors who somehow have to make the next round table look suspenseful as everyone goes ‘it’s obviously Richard’.

“Any bright ideas on how we can salvage this? Actually, forget it. You’ll probably suggest we put on a repeat of The Good Life or blow up Broadcasting House.”

A deluge of slang

Expect baffling new Gen Z terms for bestiality, such as ‘fazzing’, meaning ‘dating a sheep’. There will also be confusion as familiar words get new meanings, especially for older people with younger colleagues. How were you to know ‘camping’ now means fellating an ape?

You’ll feel ancient for never having had sex with a cow

Middle-aged people understandably feel past it and envious if Gen Z appear to be having more sex than they did, and with an estimated 20 quintillion animals on Earth, that’s a lot of potential shags. You could always try bestiality yourself, but you’re worried you might look like a creepy old pervert hitting on much younger heifers.

Animal situationships 

Gen Z are supposedly into semi-casual ‘situationships’ so they might do the same with their animal shag buddies. In a sense this is a good thing, as a golden retriever will never demand you go exclusive. Although they will insist you throw that stick again.

Endless articles about it

The media loves obsessing over Gen Z trends, no matter how tragic. You won’t be able to escape articles in the Mail about sheep ticks being the new chlamydia among feckless young people. The Guardian will be cringingly liberal, advising readers that it’s okay for their teenage son’s Shetland pony girlfriend to stay the night, and they should remove anything potentially offensive to an equine, such as bottles of glue.

Pop stars will get in on the trend

Any artist who can really speak to young people about shagging fauna is looking at chart success. Drake is a Gen Z favourite who’s all about showing your feelings and admitting to vulnerability, so he could easily have a mega-hit with, say, Topsy’s Hutch, a moving track about his painful break-up with an Angora rabbit.

TikTok will be even more unwatchable

Gen Z bestialists will flood TikTok with inane animal relationship content, such as ‘Top 5 anime costumes my otter boyfriend loves’. You will both feel that humanity has reached a dead end and watch two hours of it.

New animal-based dating problems

Gen Z are at the forefront of tedious dating problems like ghosting and breadcrumbing, so there’ll be a host of new ones such as your partner leaving her manky chew toys in the bed or him not texting when he’s out all night catching mice. Older people will despair, and wonder why they can’t just meet someone the normal way, ie get pissed together and see if she invites you back to her kennel.

The first time our eyes met

Most couples know roughly when they first met, but nauseating couples go a step further and celebrate the first time they saw each other. This can be regurgitated to anyone who’ll listen, with minor details of how their gaze locked and there was – guess what? – an instant connection. They still feel the same a magical three months to the day later. It truly is a miracle.

Our first date

New couples believe the first time they went to the cinema to watch a Marvel spin-off should be celebrated on a month-by-month basis and will badger friends to recognise this important anniversary on social media. They might even break the self-indulgence down further into weeks and days. This can’t be sustained, and may even contribute to the coming break-up because it’s f**king tedious.

Our first kiss

Not necessarily celebrated on the same day as the first date, as that will have been occupied by eagerly finding out mundane facts about each other. Or it may be the first genuinely passionate kiss that occurred when they realised their deep connection, blah blah blah. You may wish to reconsider your friendship with this couple if they then subject you to an awkward reenactment. 

The night we talked until sunrise

A night where you made yourselves ill through lack of sleep from talking shite for hours is a milestone for sickening couples. This deep talk is a romanticised event where one partner waffled on for hours and the other was secretly hoping they could get some kip soon, while feeling increasingly twitchy and unwell. Ironically, they will also bore you with stories about all the times they ‘didn’t need words’.

The day we became a couple

Like gender reveals and marriage proposals, the asking of a partner to become a couple has to be celebrated, and thankfully the rise of social media makes it much easier to self-publicise. If the relationship continues you can expect more posts about engagement and marriage, all with their own anniversaries that require an unenthusiastic ‘like’ or heart emoji before you immediately get back to what you were doing.

The first time we made love

Too much detail, and therefore an anniversary ideal for sharing. They definitely won’t be able to resist if it happened to be somewhere memorable like Glastonbury or under the stars in the Maldives, but it may simply have been in a bed on a random day. You might however be spared being told about it if this super-romantic first coupling took place in a pub toilet or a Kia Rio.

Tom Booker, 48, would ideally like to date a 25-year-old knockout but accepts that her having options would be an obstacle to their relationship.

He said: “The apps let you filter for age but sadly not for beauty. I’ve written ‘young at heart’ on my dating profile because it clearly doesn’t apply to my body, which now makes weird noises both when coming and standing up.

“My youthful partner needs to be fun but not immature, confident but not intimidating, attractive but not vain, independent but still have time for me and, most importantly, have absolutely no interest in men her own age. Also she should insist on paying for herself. But strangely that’s proving hard to find.

“So I’ve accepted that her attractiveness may have to be dialled down. I’m prepared to accept facial features that may not be entirely symmetrical, or maybe even plain. It’s a big concession but I’m decent enough to make it. 

“She needn’t be stick-thin either. She can have some fat, maybe even a slightly noticeable tummy. And for the breasts I’m prepared go down to a C-cup. Finding a mate is so much easier when you’re not a superficial guy.

“The main thing is she hasn’t yet reached 30. After that stage they grow opinions and that’s really unattractive.”

James Acaster and Jerry Hall

Reports are already swirling that James Acaster is buckling under the strain of taking part in Celebrity Traitors. Could it be the burden of keeping a treacherous secret, or is it due to sexual tension with 1970s supermodel Jerry Hall? He’s a gangly wreck at the best of times, but maybe he’ll pair nicely with the cool 70-year-old stunner. It’s just a fact that opposites attract.

Hannah Fry and Ross Kemp

A modern take on Romeo and Juliet’s star-crossed lovers. Flame-haired Fry with her flair for numbers. No-haired Kemp with his knack for playing one character. They shouldn’t work together but they do. It’ll be difficult to focus on them as they try to suss out the Traitors – you’ll be too busy thinking how brainy and hard their bizarre-looking children will be.

Bella Ramsey and Michael Sheen

Steady on, you sputter. He’s 57 and she’s 23. You’re pretty progressive and all but even you draw the line at certain age-gap relationships. Then you remember that he’s already going out with a 30-year-old so this wouldn’t be too much of a stretch. It’s not icky if the celebrities in question are generally likeable.

Miranda Hart and Joe Lycett

An obvious one but only because it feels so natural. These camp, larger-than-life comedians are so similar that shipping them requires minimal mental effort. In fact you’ll start to wonder if they’re even separate people, or if they divided like an amoeba at an early age and have only just been reunited. Maybe they’ll physically merge into their final, complete form in the finale, which will be a memorable TV moment.

Richard E Grant and Amol Rajan

The thinking mum’s bit of slash fiction. There won’t be any romantic sparks on the surface between the Withnail & I star and the University Challenge presenter, but therein lies the erotic tension. You mum will be able to project her lust for both of them onto each awkward hug and lingering glance. It’ll be like Pride and Prejudice, only better because it’ll have snazzy editing.

James Blunt and everyone

His self-deprecating wit and charming accent will create instant chemistry with any contestant he’s talking to. Not just the ladies, either. King Kenny, Rob Beckett and James will become an unlikely throuple when they coquettishly chuckle at his jokes over breakfast. Maybe, if you sit extra close to the TV, he’ll work his charm on you too. A man can dream.

Following the sad loss of the TV presenter, parents who accepted That’s Life! as perfectly normal Sunday evening viewing are now struggling to reconcile its contradictions to their children and to themselves.

Nathan Muir of Stevenage said: “It was very moving. It ran a whole campaign about a poor two-year-old who needed a liver transplant. Also, there was a dog that said ‘sausages’.

“Honest, you can see it on YouTube. Alright, his owner has to move his mouth for him, but it still sounds just like ‘sausages’. Fantastic. What happened to the boy who needed the liver transplant? Ah, I’m afraid he didn’t make it.

“Yes, now I’m telling you, it does seem a little odd the woman who founded Childline also took great delight in waving cock-shaped carrots around. Going from a moving piece about the Kindertransport to a ‘Doc’ Cox song about wanking now seems inappropriate.

“There was a cat that played ping-pong, they saved children’s lives with a seatbelt campaign, made up a fake animal called the Lirpa Loof and singlehandedly doubled organ donation in this country. Looking back, it was pretty f**ked up.

“What you don’t realise is that it was the 1970s, and we were just glad something was on.”

Mention your dad was a roofer

It doesn’t matter what you’re discussing: Brexit, sushi, penguins or the novels of Elizabeth Strout, it’s relevant. It’s even better if you say ‘is’, suggesting he cannot afford to give up work even into his 60s. They don’t know he’s got his own firm and sits on his arse all day.

Explain your mum doesn’t get what you do

Unlikely, considering your job isn’t that hard to comprehend. It’s more a reflection of the fact she can’t understand why they pay you for that when you’re always pissing about at home. But it hints at the drama caused by your rise from a terraced house to the heights of digital services advisor.

Call school ‘the comprehensive’

Force it in even if it wasn’t in the school’s name. Act as though your perfectly pleasant state school was rife with guns, gangs and knife attacks. To be fair there was once a fight in the playground. Wait, no, a dog. There was a dog in the playground.

Emphasise your lack of learning

You wish you could understand the world like the well-educated – things like quinoa, financial instruments, the plays of Sarah Kane – but you can’t, because of your schooling. Admittedly that was because you skipped lessons to smoke, but surely that’s society’s fault? To this day, it’s hurtful how little you know about Molière’s comedies.

Exaggerate your accent

Even if your area doesn’t have a particularly charming rural accent, you can put on a general Cockney lilt, like a child in a 1950s film. Your attempt to deploy it at the garage for a lower rate on a new exhaust is unsuccessful. He must have gone to public school.

Punch them hard in the face

None of it working? Resort to violence, then explain that was how people communicated in the harsh cobbled streets where you grew up. A clip round the ear was affection, a punch was an expression of camaraderie and being knocked to the floor and stamped on was a warm embrace from a beloved grandparent. That should get it through to them.

Close observation of City fans reveals they fall into two camps. There are those rational, thinking beings who accept the verdict, who have entered a period of difficult reflection about how the club they love went so awry.

And there are those who reject the entire thing, who refuse to consider it even slightly, who bombastically shout down rival fans and continue to support the best club in England.

It takes not a moment’s thought to know which Noel is and which Liam is. And this is a matter on which they will be unable to find common ground.

All will take is constant probing. Questions to Noel about how City’s reputation can recover. Goads to Liam about handing their Premier League wins over to United. It’s already an open wound, but with work we can make it fester.

Then, when they’re playing at the Etihad next summer, the rift can be made unignorable. A few planted signs reading ‘City are innocent’ and ‘RKid thinks they’re guilty, Liam’ and the brothers will confront each other on stage.

They’ll fight. They’ll smash instruments. Liam will once again call his older brother a ‘potato’. It’s the performance we’ve always wanted live in front of tens of thousands, not those shit-boring songs we’ve heard a million f**king times.

Finally they will split, cancel the gigs hurting City’s revenues even further, and millions of overweight middle-aged men in bucket hats will be heartbroken. What an incredible result.

‘New here’ means ‘Recently dumped’

Dating apps are haunted by the sad, lonely wraiths of society doomed to never find companionship. Nobody stumbles in happily, no matter how cheerfully it’s phrased. Being new to a dating app means a previous life of happiness has imploded and now you’re in the trenches of loneliness with everyone else in the radius you’ve arbitrarily set.

‘Want children’ means ‘You are a means to an end’

Taken at face value, someone saying they want children is refreshingly straightforward. But look closer. The singleton in question is edging toward 40. There’s a manic glint in her eye which suggests this is her last roll of the dice. If you meet up, she will be trying to harvest your genetic material within hours, once you’ve provided proof of earnings.

‘Figuring out my dating goals’ means ‘I want to shag around’

Everyone has a decent idea of what they want out of a relationship. If someone says they’re still figuring it out, it means they want to up their body count before they settle down. Unfortunately in this case he’s a balding man in his early 40s called Darren, so he has to dress up his urges so women don’t realise.

‘Looking for long-term relationship, open to short’ means ‘I’m desperate’

Being open to anything is to admit you’re scrambling. They want a committed relationship for life, but they’re so starved of love that they’ll settle for a couple of dates and hoping you’re so impressed by their oral skills you’ll tumble into marriage. An easy lay if you’re so inclined, but expect tears after. Or during.

‘I don’t take life too seriously’ means ‘I am insufferable’

This harmless phrase suggests a zest for life, surely? Wrong. People who use this are non-entities who think going for a Sunday roast counts as a spontaneous adventure. They also usually claim to not be political, which means they’d be the first person to report you to the secret police should fascism get going again.

While Britain begins to cheerfully take the piss about the arrest of five men at RAF Fairford who were later released on bail, Americans continue to believe it must be still be all very serious like in one of their movies.

Whelford resident Ryan Whittaker said: “Yesterday we were all shit-scared of a major terrorist incident. Today we’ve accepted the whole thing was a blundering, hilarious f**k-up.

“Trump and Marco Rubio keep pretending this was a major international plot, and perhaps it was. It’s just when such things hit British soil they tend to get overtaken by irony, mockery and Gazza arriving with a fishing rod and a bucket of chicken.

“Iran? Al-Qaeda? Five Uber drivers out to nick some red diesel? We don’t know the details yet, but we can be confident that when they do come out they’ll be funny. I bet that Cobra meeting couldn’t keep a straight face.

“Meanwhile, we’ve got the short-term amusement of all the online bellends who insisted this proved them right in every detail now shouting shite about ‘two-tier justice’. Don’t they look like dicks?”

Reform leader Nigel Farage said: “I hope this ‘mirth’ does not extend to my article in yesterday’s Telegraph about this entirely justifying my warnings of the Iran menace. I am a very serious politician.”

Wearers of Meta smart glasses are following unsuspecting women and uploading humiliating footage to the internet for cash, with the backlash punishing traditional deviants who follow women around for nothing but their own honest entertainment.

Old-fashioned lecher Joseph Turner, wearing NHS spectacles from the 1980s, said: “They accuse me of filming women. Me! Who wants nothing more than to sniff their bus seats!

“Yes, I’m short-sighted. Yes, I wear glasses with comically thick lenses. But when I stand close to a pretty lady and breathe heavily, it’s because I want to actually experience it in the moment not share it online for likes.

“It’s sad, really. These sickos with their secret cameras are turning the simple act of staring at a lone female while rubbing your groin into something weird and creepy.”

Police tech expert Sgt James Bates said: “Meta glasses are a real societal problem. We’re suddenly seeing video evidence of all of these instances of sexual harassment and it’s clear that we’ve got to take action.

“It was so much easier to ignore when all we had was women’s word for it.”

‘£43.62 is a fortune in free stuff’

If your savings account doesn’t quite hit the £50 mark, stop panicking. The best things in life are free so you’re rich in terms of things like sunsets, being in love and seeing the innocent joy in a child’s eyes. If they’re not enough to sustain you, you’re dead inside.

‘£450 is more than enough to retire on’

Don’t listen to scaremongering claims that you need £300k in a pension fund for a comfortable retirement. You’ll be getting a state pension anyway, so any other cash is a bonus. That’s a Twix a week for a decade, assuming inflation stops immediately. Worth living for.

‘I knew a guy who had £400,000 in the bank, then died’ 

Straight up. Massive heart attack on the Bakerloo line. So consider you could die a hundred ways – a bus, a train crash, cancer, a terrorist attack, a virus, a zoo accident – and wish you’d enjoyed that money instead. It’s actually worse to be torn apart by polar bears knowing you’ve been doing all that scrimping and saving.

‘£50 is plenty for a house deposit’

If you’re in your 20s and want to get on the property ladder, a £50 deposit is fine. Have you seen the price of houses? £280,000 for an unremarkable three-bedroom semi, for f**k’s sake. Even a £10,000 deposit is nowhere near, so in practical terms £50 is just as useful when you’re not buying a house you’ll never be able to afford.

‘Nobody cool has an ISA’ 

ISA just means ‘individual savings account’ and what’s so f**king revolutionary about that? Many banks let you set up a savings account with just £1, so assuming you’ve got £3, open a few. You’re not sharing the account with anyone, so now you have ‘multiple ISAs’ to mention in conversation with other smug twats.

‘Your overheads are low in old age’

At 93 you’re not going to be going out clubbing, paying for a gym membership or buying Lululemon activewear. So long as you can afford electricity for your TV and a few jars of Princes beef paste you’ll be having the time of your life. Senior bingo is free!

‘You can’t predict the future’

Has Martin Lewis got a crystal ball? No, didn’t think so. Your troubled finances might be sorted out instantly by anything from a winning lottery ticket to a distant relative leaving you a big haunted house. When you hit the jackpot you’ll be laughing at these mugs with their ‘financial security’. Mine’s a pint.

Loughborough

The aristocracy have historically singled themselves out by naming their spawn after exotic locations like Delphi or Arcadia. As usual, the lower orders have corrupted this proud tradition with their own knuckleheaded interpretation. Paris and Brooklyn are bad enough, but proper rough kids are named after a Midlands university famous for sport science degrees.

Tiphanee

The working classes didn’t learn standardised spelling in school. They were too busy earning their keep on a barm cake factory floor, which has resulted in their own children being slapped with knock-offs of real names which haven’t quite got the vowels right. It’s different when posh parents do it, that’s personal branding.

Sports Direct

Why call a child Versace or Hermes or John Lewis when you can go straight to the source? Bearing the nomenclature of a high street sporting outlet has many positives: your name on a mug, guaranteed warehouse work when you turn 16, and everyone’s automatically affectionate to you because of their pre-existing love for the brand.

Pigeon

Animal names are a trend among the upper classes, with Mouse and Panda climbing in popularity. Less privileged parents can do the same by drawing on the world around them. Screeching Mid-Shag Fox is an inappropriate and something of a mouthful, but Pigeon works. One of those city ones that’s lost a half a foot and pecks at cigarette ends.

Tarquin

Once reserved for foppish scions of the baronetcy, it’s gone down society faster than Burberry and now appears regularly on council estates by parents trying to move upmarket. Expect flat-roofed pubs of the near future to be run by a thuggish dealer named Tarquin and his XL bullys Sixtus and Sevenus.

Robbie

A nice, normal name which has playfully taken the edge off the ending? Nothing could be more working class than that. You can practically picture his soot-covered face skipping to work down cobbled streets as he whistles excruciatingly. If he was a social climber he’d have a more aspirational name like Tesla or Joffrey.

Find the best

Never mind that you live at home, you’re traumatised and deserve the best, not mum’s friend Jackie who’s training to be a counsellor. Don’t stint and be sure to delve deeply into finding out exactly why it is that you, aged 23 and masturbating quietly so your parents don’t hear, feel depressed. Who understands your tough choices like: Deliveroo or Vinted?

Get careers coaching

Find a provider who’ll group therapy with career coaching, charging £300 an hour for vital self actualisation exercises and AI generated advice on AI job applications. When you get all that, avoid resentfully thinking you could tell strangers to ‘leverage their transferable skills’ and earn £50 a hour by focusing on your debts instead.

Discuss your feelings of failure

Why does someone who can’t afford a pint feel a failure? Clearly you have unresolved childhood trauma and imposter syndrome. That’s a 15-session problem, paid upfront. It’s an investment in your future, as was that highly valuable degree in Art History and Film Studies.

Don’t compare yourself to others

Yes, an influencer on TikTok has bought a flat in Shoreditch at 21 and claims it’s by cutting out McDonalds. But we all know there’s some weird foot pics shit lurking there and that’s too oversaturated a market for you to get into now. Though it is still necessary you sob to a stranger about it.

Explore your relationship with money

Why do you feel anxious every time your banking app opens? Why does seeing ‘£4.62 available’ cause your heart to race? Why have you started treating £10 like an heirloom? Your therapist will encourage you to unpack your ‘scarcity mindset’. You can’t put a price on mental health, you reassure yourself, while subject to exactly that.

Work on your boundaries

Learn to say no to things you can’t afford, such as holidays, weddings, restaurants, festivals, pubs, taxis, house deposits and having children before the age of 41.You’ll also learn to set healthy boundaries with your parents, including asking them to stop mentioning that £30 you borrowed.

Identify your coping mechanisms

You may have developed unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as doomscrolling, drinking supermarket own-brand wine or therapy you can’t afford. Your therapist will encourage healthier alternatives. These include journalling, mindfulness and taking a walk in nature. Instead you tell her you’ve done all that and stay in.

Jordan Gardner met James Bates at a sign-up session for kickabout football and, keen to make new friends, made the mistake of starting a conversation.

Jordan explained: “The university years are the best of your life, or should be for the cost, so I’ve been trying to put myself out there more. I never knew it could go so horribly wrong.

“We arranged to meet at the bar later, where he immediately barrelled into a conversation I was having with a fit girl on my course and wouldn’t shut the fuck up about how he can’t wait to try loads of recipes in his air fryer. Then listed the recipes.

“He twisted my arm into buying him a pint saying he’s waiting for his loan, then ruined my second try at the fit girl by forcing me to look at pictures of an OnlyFans model he’s subscribed to.

“I tried to get rid of him by saying I was tired, but he followed me back to halls and started having a go at my housemate for wearing shoes indoors, saying, ‘That would get you arrested in Japan’. That flatmate’s not spoken to me since.

“I spoke to my resident advisor, and he told me to quit football, change course, request to switch accommodation and begin going by a different name. Otherwise the twat will end up being my best man.”