The Daily Mash » News

Twitter not allowed to be completely full of shit

Fri, 24 May 2013 10:40:57 +0000

SOME of the things that appear on Twitter have to be vaguely accurate, the High Court has ruled.

Everything co-workers do is annoying

Fri, 24 May 2013 10:00:13 +0000

ABSOLUTELY everything your colleagues do is annoying, it has emerged.

Men ordered to be ashamed of their bodies

Fri, 24 May 2013 08:35:13 +0000

BRITISH men must attend a series of self-hate seminars to increase their body neuroses.

Rolling into a ball not as good as running like f*ck, hedgehogs told

Fri, 24 May 2013 07:48:19 +0000

A SHARP decline in hedgehog numbers has been blamed on the ineffectiveness of curling into a ball when threatened.

Police set up fantasy avatar squad

Thu, 23 May 2013 11:44:37 +0000

POLICE have set up an avatar unit to tackle crime in online role-playing games.

Michael Bublé unable to do up a tie

Thu, 23 May 2013 09:52:31 +0000

CANADIAN crooner Michael Bublé is incapable of doing up a tie.

Men in balaclavas offer soothing prospect of war

Thu, 23 May 2013 08:24:28 +0000

MEN wearing balaclavas have been making a dreadful situation better.

Idea of female cub scout leader ‘is doing Al Qaeda’s head in’

Thu, 23 May 2013 08:04:47 +0000

JIHADISTS said the idea of a woman being in charge of young males in uniform was driving them crazy.

George Michael ‘surprisingly good at parallel parking’

Wed, 22 May 2013 11:28:40 +0000

HIGHWAY Code-averse pop star George Michael is a tight, efficient parallel parker, it has emerged. The Wham! legend, who has a chequered motoring history, was seen reversing his Range Rover into a spot described by onlookers as “tighter than a cat’s arse”. 27-year-old bystander Nikki Hollis said: “We were all like, ‘that’s George Michael, he’s [...]

Yahoo! annoyed by lack of interest in its tax affairs

Wed, 22 May 2013 10:45:24 +0000

Yahoo! is increasingly frustrated at the lack of any government investigation into its tax payments. A company source said: “Everyone’s all ‘Google’s evading this’ and ‘Apple’s not paying what’, but what about good old Yahoo!? “For all they know we could be running some awesomely creative tax scam, ploughing our vast profits into offshore Jurassic [...]

Britain to be physically removed from Europe

Wed, 22 May 2013 10:01:14 +0000

BRITAIN is to be detached from the Earth's crust and moved away from Europe.

New Xbox will revolutionise sitting on your fat arse

Wed, 22 May 2013 08:39:46 +0000

MICROSOFT'S Xbox One heralds the dawn of a new era in sitting on your fat lazy backside.

Motorists and cyclists unite against pedestrians

Wed, 22 May 2013 07:58:14 +0000

CAR and bike owners have agreed that they hate people who travel on foot.

Gay marriage will affect things that don’t matter, reveals Tebbit

Tue, 21 May 2013 10:52:54 +0000

GAY marriage could force Britain to read about a newly married lesbian queen opening a hospital, it has emerged.

Caviar scandal ‘like a not very good parable’

Tue, 21 May 2013 09:54:26 +0000

CHEAPER caviar being passed off as high-end sevruga caviar probably amounts to a parable of some kind, it has been claimed. Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Sevruga caviar is a luxury favoured by the disgustingly rich. “But they were all duped, partly perhaps by their own vanity and arrogance. “There’s a [...]

Apple fans queue overnight for tax avoidance scheme

Tue, 21 May 2013 09:11:18 +0000

APPLE'S diehard fans are queuing outside the company's stores eager to snap-up the latest beautifully designed way of avoiding tax.

Retired footballers start tropical detective agency

Tue, 21 May 2013 08:12:12 +0000

FORMER Premier League players have joined forces to fight crime in exotic locations.

Doctors’ receptionists urged to be less terrifying

Tue, 21 May 2013 07:37:15 +0000

PATIENTS have asked doctors' receptionists if they can please stop looking at them like that.

Kevin McCloud lives on new-build estate

Mon, 20 May 2013 10:25:50 +0000

GRAND Designs presenter Kevin McCloud lives on an estate called The Glades, it has emerged.

Gay people to continue having lots of hot sex

Mon, 20 May 2013 09:32:20 +0000

BRITAIN'S gay men and women have defied angry Tories by taking their gayness to a new and hotter level.