A Plate Of Cancer Please, Says Britain

BRITAIN sat down this morning and ordered itself a huge plate of fried cancer with mushrooms and baked beans. 

The parsley protects you from all the cancer

The nation's greasy spoons prepared for business as usual as millions chose to ignore the latest sausage and egg-based health warning.

Bill McKay, an electrician from Mansfield, ordered the full English cancer, including two fried cancers, three rashers of early death, the baked beans and a grilled tomato which he did not eat.

He also enjoyed a slice of fried cancer and two pieces of black pudding with extra-fatal carcinogens.

Meanwhile his colleague Stephen Malley ordered a tumour in a bap, a cup of tea with milk and two cancers and a scrambled egg and colonectomy roll to take away.

McKay said: "I'm fully aware that All Bran isn't filled to the brim with cancer. My only problem with it is that it tastes like a horse's arse.

"I suppose I could try putting some All Bran in a roll, with maybe a fried egg and just the one bit of black pudding.

"How many more years does that get me?"