Absolutely Everything Can Kill You, Warns Department Of Health

EVERYTHING will carry a government warning label, under plans to prevent anything from happening, the Department of Health has announced.

Too many pregnant women are still eating tree bark

From next April all things will undergo a government risk assessment and then be labeled according to the most likely catastrophe.

The move comes after a series of successful pilot schemes, including toasted sandwich makers, urban foxes and World War II grenades.

The recent move to label alcohol bottles with the warning: "This bottle is full of alcohol" was also judged to be an enormous success.

Public health minister Caroline Flint said: "This announcement follows an extensive public consultation exercise.

"More than 1400 people managed to seriously injure themselves with the consultation document. It should have carried a warning label." 

She added: "This is not about the government trying to nanny people.

"We simply want to tie their shoelaces, tidy their hair, ensure they have a good breakfast and then threaten them with a £60 fine unless they brush their teeth."

 
OTHER WARNINGS WILL INCLUDE: 

  • Goldfish "Do not eat 40 of these at once"

  • Milk cartons "Do not fill a basin full of milk and then stick your head in it for 10 minutes"

  • Hardback books "Do not attach a chinstrap and use as a helmet"

  • Helmets "Do not use for carrying hot soup"