Avoid oysters if you're a pussy, say manly experts

30-11-11

THE risk of Norovirus means that oysters are unsuitable for anyone lacking a pair of balls, it has been claimed.

‘I dare you to give me diarrhoea’

The discovery that 76% of the shellfish contain the infectious bug has prompted aggressively masculine doctors to effectively challenge the public to eat as many as possible.

Dr Stephen Malley said: “Symptoms of Norovirus include acute vomiting and diarrhoea. It’s not like it’s going to kill you or anything.

“I had it, twice. Just came to work, put a bucket by my desk and carried on. My female colleagues seemed impressed but to me it wasn’t a big deal.”

Dr Malley continued: “My advice to anyone worried about oysters is stop whining like a little bitch.

“Cram as many as possible into your mouth in one go, add the juice of two lemons by crushing the fruit in your raised fists – some might go in your eyes but that will only make you feel more alive.

“Gulp the lot down and shout ‘bring it’ before rubbing your lemon-coated knuckles in a bowl of the jagged, discarded shells until they’re bloody and raw.”

He added: “If you can’t handle oysters, just get yourself a little Marks and Spencer Simply Gay trifle, or a cupcake with pink icing on it and nibble away at the edges like a tiny mouse.

“Just don’t be surprised if you never get anything you want in life.”

 

 

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