Avoid oysters if you're a pussy, say manly experts

30-11-11

THE risk of Norovirus means that oysters are unsuitable for anyone lacking a pair of balls, it has been claimed.

'I dare you to give me diarrhoea'

The discovery that 76% of the shellfish contain the infectious bug has prompted aggressively masculine doctors to effectively challenge the public to eat as many as possible.

Dr Stephen Malley said: “Symptoms of Norovirus include acute vomiting and diarrhoea. It’s not like it’s going to kill you or anything.

“I had it, twice. Just came to work, put a bucket by my desk and carried on. My female colleagues seemed impressed but to me it wasn’t a big deal.

“I was still able to fuck them all at lunchtime, as usual.”

Dr Malley continued: “My advice to anyone worried about oysters is stop whining like a little bitch and show those bivalves who’s boss.

“Cram as many as possible into your mouth in one go, add the juice of two lemons by crushing the fruit in your raised fists – some might go in your eyes but that will only make you feel more alive.

“Gulp the lot down and shout ‘bring it’ before rubbing your lemon-coated knuckles in a bowl of the jagged, discarded shells until they’re bloody and raw.”

He added: “If you can’t handle oysters, just get yourself a little Marks and Spencer Simply Gay trifle, or a cupcake with pink icing on it and nibble away at the edges like a tiny mouse.

“Just don’t be surprised if you never get anything you want in life.”

 

 

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