BBC To Offer More Crone-Based Programming

HAGS and crones will take centre stage in the BBC's spring schedule as the corporation announces a big increase in witch-themed programming.

Fiona Bruce

The move follows threats of a multi-generational curse from the British Crone Council, which represents gimlet-eyed, toothless old women who live in caves and speak in vivid and frightening metaphors.

Deputy director Mary Fisher, who claims to be 386, said: ''Tis be a shame there bain't no better programmin' for ladies such as I.

"Our dark sisterhood tires of endless reality dance shows. Where be the series in which crow-like harridans cackle mercilessly as they tell which combination of herbs and eldritch phrases can make a virgin pregnant with a donkey-headed abomination?"

Following the complaint and the first born son of the BBC's Head of Factual Programming being bitten by a talking stoat, the corporation has agreed to hand over BBC2's Thursday night schedule to crone-based programming.

A BBC spokesman said: "Wizened Women is a bit like Loose Women but the three hosts share a single eye, which they pass around so they can view the future of the celebrity guest and tell them exactly when and how they are going to die.

"There's also a cooking show which focuses mainly on children and a new sitcom called A Bit Familiar about a disgustingly foul-mouthed goat engaged in a series of hilarious mix-ups as he tries to organise his weekly, blood-soaked orgy of sodomy and murder."

The spokesman added: "I am forbidden to speak further lest my tongue be split and my eyes dissolve in their sockets. You'd best be on your way now."