Cameron to cut deficit with dodgy ham
DAVID Cameron is to cut the deficit by removing at least 30% of Britain with catastrophically out-of-date pork products.
The prime minister insisted sell-by dates on pork, chicken and fish were ‘getting in the way’ of sustained deficit reduction by keeping far too many people alive.
He said: “I’m like you, when I go to the supermarket I don’t want to be messing about with dates and numbers. I just want some lovely grey chicken breasts that I will cook for 20 minutes at gas mark two.
“By ditching these silly numbers we can get government out of our shopping bags and really start to reduce the amount of money we spend on providing services for people who are not dead.”
Officials estimate that removing sell-by dates would have a short-term, vomit-based impact on the NHS, but in the long term would mean fewer people reaching expensive old age.
Meanwhile dodgy ham is especially dangerous to the elderly meaning billions of pounds in unclaimed pensions would be freed up very quickly, enabling the government to do a strike-averting deal with the communists.
A Downing Street spokesman added: “Weird smelling ham and suspicious prawns will mean quieter roads, shorter queues and a significant reduction in the stress caused by having to be near other humans. Also, if you have fewer people you don’t need as many fire engines.
“The only problem is that far too many welfare claimants eat food so processed that it can’t actually go off.
“Which is why we have produced a public information cartoon called It’s Hamtabulous!“