Cancer Patients Must Win Drugs At Gypsy Fair
CANCER patients denied a life-extending drug on the NHS will be given the chance to win it by shooting at some tin cans with a wonky air gun.
Following an inexplicable decision by some of the country's most important bastards, Nexavar will now be distributed to travelling gypsy fairs where terminally ill people can try their hand at the shooting range, the coconut shy and the one with the pea under the plastic cups that is obviously a con.
An NHS spokesman said: "Those with the best hand-eye coordination will be rewarded with an extended lifespan and if they aren't successful the first time they can always pay a pound for another go.
"By the way, if you're playing 'tin can alley' check the tinks haven't deliberately bent the gun barrel. They do that sometimes."
He added: "And of course the travelling nature of the fairs ensures there's no post code lottery. Now then, who wants a go? You sir, don't you want to win a lovely bag of drugs for that nice girlfriend of yours?"
Cancer sufferer Tom Logan has spent five days at Gregson Brothers' Travelling Amusement Arcade and Flea Circus, but has so far only won a goldfish and 38 bags of very cheap sweets.
He said: "To get the life-saving drug you have to throw 80 balls into Mr Blobby's mouth in under 30 seconds.
"It's bloody impossible, yet annoyingly the ratty local kids seem to be able to do it with their eyes shut while smoking a fag.
"I keep trying to pay them to have a go for me but they're more interested in stockpiling enough Nexavar so they can trade it back to Bayer in exchange for a white Astra SRI with really nice alloys and one of those big, fat exhaust pipes."