Chop-Chop, Scientists Tell Women

BEATING cancer involves less chatty and more cooky, according to new research.

Like a big bit of broccoli that has an attachment for doing the curtains

Scientists claim that an hour of housework a day can reduce the risks of several cancers and that knowing your way around a Magimix wouldn’t do any harm either.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute For Studies, said: “The occasional brisk walk can also help, especially if it’s to an off licence or a newsagent.

“According to these sums I just did, there are some hugely beneficial aerobics involved in bringing me back a bottle of Southern Comfort and a copy of Penthouse.”

He added: “We also reckon things like ordinary household dust, unwashed dishes and my dirty boxer shorts can cause all kinds of bad cancer mojo to happen. And a fridge full of uncooked bacon is like having a built-in unexploded cancer bomb in your kitchen.

“Carcinogens seem to hate a bit of hoovering as well. It’s a very complicated science thing that would only confuse you and make you want chocolate.”

Brubaker said the benefits of regular exercise only affect certain parts of the body: “Start flapping your gums and you may as well smoke 40 a day through an asbestos cigarette holder.

“It’s a shame but I’m afraid that biology, like Big Susan across the road, is a cruel mistress.”