Does sleeping count as not drinking? asks Britain

BRITAIN would like to know if being fast asleep counts as time off the drink.

MPs said this is a good thing to do

As MPs made it their business to recommend two alcohol free days a week, Britain reckoned it would probably be okay to do it on a pro-rata basis.

Emma Bradford, from Stevenage, said: “I sleep for about eight hours a night, I spend 10 minutes per day in the shower, then there’s the bus to work and I generally stay off the sherbert until about 12-ish.

“So five tens are fifty plus two and a half hours plus 20 hours and then seven nights a week at eight hours a night makes, let’s see – sorry, I’m a bit hungover – anyway, I’m pretty sure it’s more than 48 so that’s me government approved.”

Roy Hobbs, from Darlington, said: “I don’t drink on Mondays. Monday is Skunk Day.

“So I suppose I could just make Tuesday Skunk Day as well. Splendid. Now my Member of Parliament will think I’m great.”

Helen Archer, from Hatfield, added: “I do drink at my desk in the afternoons, but it’s just a couple of mugs of homemade Drambuie. It’s not as if it’s one of those huge, incredibly dangerous glasses of white wine that one hears so much about these days.

“And anyway, I’m always asleep somewhere by half-eight.”

The House of Commons science and technology committee also claims the current alcohol guidelines are ‘too complicated’ for Britain and that people would understand them if only they had the intelligence of a backbench MP.

Meanwhile, a survey by the Institute for Studies has found that 98.2% would prefer politicians to go back to stealing their money instead of calling them idiots and pretending to be their fucking mother.