Drink-Uber limit lowered

THE legal blood-alcohol level for Uber users has been lowered after serious damage to passenger ratings.

Previously set at 38 units or around fourteen pints and a chaser, the limit has been lowered to five pints after Uber users woke to find their rating had been reduced to two stars by a single disastrous journey.

Tom Logan of Hampstead said: “I remember getting in the car, finding the seatbelt thing then slapping myself in the face with it because it seemed funny. I opened a bag of Quavers but it split and they fucked out all over the floor.

“I was on my knees trying to pick them up while explaining, unprompted, the plot of my favourite Japanese horror movie.

“When I booked an Uber the next day, nothing. For eight hours I was stranded at the kerb, a victim of my own drunken recklessness.

“I now go around schools, warning them not to be like me.”

Uber driver Norman Steele said: “I drive you, but also I judge you and decide whether you have the freedom of the city.

“Stay upright, say please and thank you, don’t try to open the door with your forehead. These are all achievable things.”