the dailymash

The Institute for Studies said an hour in the gym after an evening's drinking was largely pointless, although it can massively increase the feeling that you are about to have a heart attack.

Meanwhile experts also discovered an increased requirement for alcohol among those gym members who accidentally catch a glimpse of their own pale, scrawny-yet-flabby frames clad in drooping, wash-grey sportswear.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: "I know explaining basic anatomy to the common brood is like trying to explain my income tax returns to the cat, but here goes.

"Your muscles and your internal organs are two different things and exercising one to try and help the other is like servicing your car to get your lawnmower working. DO YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?"

The news looks set to close hundreds of gyms across the country with Britain's biggest pub chains eager to convert them into sports bars with big-screen televisions where fat men can watch thin men participating in events sponsored by drinks companies.

Gym member and schnapps enthusiast Tom Booker said: "I'm currently paying £40 a month to some bronzed Scottish twat so that I can feel like a bag of shit twice a week.

"Meanwhile schnapps costs £6.70 a litre from Asda, makes me feel groovy and doesn't hurt my legs. Now I'm no mathematician, which, come to think of it, is probably a good idea as I am going to be drinking an awful lot more schnapps."