Drinkers Keep Faith With Bullshit Hangover Cures

MOST people still cling to the belief that you can drink four bottles of cheap red wine and feel fine the next day if you have a special magic breakfast, according to a new survey.

A traditional fry-up can help if it's been laced with huge amounts of paracetamol

Despite every conceivable shred of evidence to the contrary, 62% of respondents said they persist with eating a bowl of tomato soup that has been breathed on by a badger, forcing camomile tea up their nose with a stirrup pump or rubbing a elderly chimp's belly in an anti-clockwise direction.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "If you throw a litre or two of recreational poison down your neck before staggering home via a spaniel-in-pitta-bread vendor and falling asleep in the airing cupboard with your trousers on, you are going to feel unwell the next day.

"That's how it is and a pint of egg white is not going to save you, nor is the pile of unmitigated bull's faeces your cousin's wife's friend read in the Sunday Times style section."

But Stephen Malley, author of 100,000 Miracle Hangover Cures That Cannot Fail, said: "The efficacy of my methods depends not on any genuine medicinal value but rather on their being sufficiently unpleasant to divert one's attention from the fact that your cranium feels like its been scraped out with a broken bottle dipped in Wilfrid Brambell's piss.

"'My personal favourite after a heavy night on the pop is to stab myself in the eye with a rusty fork. The hangover soon finds itself hopelessly overshadowed by the onset of major haemorrhaging."

Drinker Donna Sheridan said: "After my usual quart of Kahlua followed by four litres of Lambrini consumed through a dirty traffic cone and a chaser of unprotected sex, I like to bathe in seaweed with a piece of liver under each armpit.

"I'm not sure if it makes any difference, but it's a bit like my attitude to witches. I don't really believe in them but I'm still a bit scared of them. Does that make sense?"