Ecstasy is mental, says government drugs czar
THE government’s chief advisor on drugs has described his first Ecstasy experience as ‘utterly, utterly mental’.
Professor David Nutt and a group of his colleagues from the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs were at a house party in Dalston when they were approached by a ponytailed man in a leather effect coat offering ‘Fido Didos’ at £2 each or six for a tenner.
Professor Nutt said: “We were just at that moment discussing how ironic it was that none of us had ever taken recreational drugs. Plus we were a bit pissed.
“Despite my reservations about the effects of MDMA use on long-term mental health the music soon started to sound awesome.
“I asked the DJ what it was and he said, ‘progressive house’. I was like, ‘get out of town geezer, progressive house is totally my favourite music ever’ despite having previously been a huge fan of the Everly Brothers.
“As I danced I felt like me and the music were one, or perhaps more accurately that the music was being beamed directly into my brain by benevolent space creatures who wanted to show me the magnificent beauty of my inner universe.”
He added: “We met some people from Liverpool who instantly became our best friends. One of them, a former squaddie, gave me a back massage as we talked about our favourite sunsets.
“Then we all got into a car, still off our tits, and drove to a techno all-dayer in a disused meat packing factory that’d been squatted by rave anarchists.
“I was like, ‘I’m ringing Tony Blair, they can’t ban this, it’s amazing’. But then my chief researcher was like ‘it’s Gordon Brown now, duh’ and we all laughed at how spanked I was.”
However, Professor Nutt admitted he has since had reservations about the drug, adding: “On the following Tuesday I had a massive whitey while chairing a meeting of the world’s leading pharmacologists and had to sit in my car with my head in my hands, listening to Jeremy Vine at a very low volume.
“Nevertheless I think Es should be downgraded from Class A to something that gets put in drinking water. Also I’ve got a new tattoo of a dolphin against a fractal background which looks really special.”