Fun Causes Cancer, Say Docs
A LIFE of po-faced self-denial and thinking that animals are people can reduce the risk of cancer, doctors have claimed.
The latest study comes as the British Medical Association grouped tumours of the bowel, liver and lung into a new category known as the 'fun cancers'.
A BMA spokesman said: "Anyone who gets the hat-trick has been living life like George Best in an all-you-can-eat steak-brothel, strapped to a crack pipe."
Research showed that exciting sex, fast cars and watching films with explosions can also curtail life expectancy.
The spokesman added: "Anything more thrilling than Songs Of Praise will sprout tumours like mould on a week-old loaf."
But Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "The most common carcinogen is one that is known in the scientific community as 'being alive'.
"Personally I simply do not understand how some people can go through life without doing shots off a hooker's arse that's been smeared in lamb fat. It's just so odd."
He added: "Feeling death's icy fingers caress your neck, all alone, seeing your friends die younger and happier as you nibble on a radish...
"There's still a couple of hotdogs left. Are you absolutely sure?"
