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THE British government is in the grip of a chronic addiction to prescription painkillers, experts claimed last night.
 The big blue ones make you think you're Mr Darcy
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Among the first things to go are basic cognitive skills such as numeracy, with the patient insisting that 18% is more than 44%.
"Then they may become confused, perhaps claiming that a 1.6 litre Ford Focus or a Vaxuhall Zafira is in fact a luxury 4x4.
"They may even compare themselves to great literary characters such as Inspector Morse, Scarlett O'Hara or the Count of Monte Cristo.
"If at any time they compare themselves to a deranged, violent dog-murderer from a Kate Bush song, you must strap them to a chair, hit them with a kettle and phone the fire brigade."
A government spokesman said: "Look, we're fine, okay? Why are you so interested anyway? So all of a sudden you care, do you? Well, FUCK YOU!"
The spokesman added: "Look, I'm really sorry about the 'fuck you' just now. I've not been feeling well. Must have eaten a dodgy prawn.
"Anyway, I don't suppose you could lend us fifty quid? IT'S NOT FOR DRUGS!"
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