Health experts confirm smug coffee drinking bastards were right

24-11-17

EVANGELISTS for the wonders of coffee have become even more intolerable after scientists confirmed it is good for your health.

News that three cups of coffee a day improves health has made men like Nathan Muir, a social media manager who mentions his £1,700 Jura bean-to-cup expresso machine once an hour, into supernovas of over-caffeinated self-righteousness.

Colleague Helen Archer said: “Look at his face, sipping from his ‘Mr Hipster’ mug of organic artisanal hand-roasted smugness.

“He’s been a wanker about coffee since the first day he called the cup of Nescafe he was offered ‘blasphemous’, but at least we had the comfort that his caffeine addiction was slowly poisoning him. Now even that’s gone.

“Can you imagine how morally superior his lectures are going to become now? These scientists are no better than the ones who’ve given nukes to Kim Jong-il.

“The worst thing is that I’ve been drinking green tea, which tastes like the boiled piss of the devil, because I thought it was good for me. So technically, I’m the twat.”

Muir said: “The Bean is the Way and the Life. Worship the Bean.”

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