JK Rowling to rewrite NHS bill

THE government’s flagship NHS bill is to be rewritten for adults by JK Rowling.

Rectarium Polypus!

The new version will get rid of boring competition between primary care trusts in favour of magical colour-changing lizards that diagnose cancer, enchanted mops and buckets that clean wards on their own. And necromancy.

The new bill also advocates dividing the Royal College of Physicians into four different houses, one of which is proudly evil, and employing a talking surgical mask and gown to rule in cases of medical malpractice.

Rowling said: “The NHS is a wonderful institution in need of fresh ideas, just like Hogwarts® before a certain Harry Potter® enrolled at the school®.

“How about enchanted syringes that fly to patients and inject them? Or owl nurses? Or proctological examinations performed by a magic wand?”

Critics of the scheme say that spells like Vulnera Sanentur have no counterparts in the real world, though they did see the value of A&E departments staffed by mountain trolls to deal with Saturday night woundings pissed up on butterbeer.

David Cameron said: “Like me, the nation’s favourite writer thinks the NHS is broken. And like me, she believes it can be fixed by magic.

“Those sceptics who say minotaur doctors controlling their own budgets with the help of thousands of bewitched accountant worms are unworkable need to open their minds to new solutions.”

The bill will also include 116 excruciating pages about Andrew Lansley winning a Quidditch tournament.