Living In A Big Glass Tube Can Add 40 Years To Your Life, Say Experts

08-01-08

ABANDONING your job, your family and the outside world in favour of a big glass tube can extend your life expectancy by decades, according to a new study.

'As Time Goes By' was really good, actually

Researchers at Dundee University are now calling for increased government support for those who want to live in a tube and have a cocktail of high fibre nutrients pumped into their stomachs.

The long-term research project kidnapped two young men, suspending one of them in an eight foot-long tube and forcing the other one to live in a flat and work for an insurance company.

Specimen A responded well to life inside the tube, enjoying the combination of sedatives, liquid food and episodes of As Time Goes By with Judi Dench and Geoffrey Palmer.

Specimen B went to the local pub where he met a nice girl with a fruity laugh. After three years of sexual intercourse they married and moved to a leafy suburb to raise a family.

Specimen B consumed a range of foods including bacon, mashed potatoes, Special K, donuts, and ham and cucumber sandwiches with full-fat mayonnaise on wholemeal bread.

He also enjoyed a gin and tonic after work, wine with meals, a few pints of beer after a weekly round of golf and the occasional cigar. He died in his sleep from heart complications aged 72.

Specimen A is now 75 years-old but has the physical heath of a man in his mid-thirties. His daily routine involves selecting programmes from his Sky+ box and then watching them while a steady stream of pulped cranberries and broccoli moves from the tube into his stomach to the tube out of his rectum.

Project leader Dr Roy Hobbs, said: "Specimen B was such a wretched waste of a life. I watched him throw his years away unable to interfere with my own experiment.

"But look at Specimen A. His lungs are clear, his bowel movements are sound and his heart pumps away, fueled by a potent cranberry mush. And he's got Sky+."

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