Mega-Clap Terrorises Ibiza
A MUTANT strain of gonorrhoea has laid waste to large sections of Ibiza and is threatening to invade the UK this summer, experts have warned.
The new breed of clap, which has proven resistant to conventional antibiotics, has already razed several nightclubs to the ground and is currently encamped in San Antonio.
The giant gonorrhoea, named 'Crotchzilla' by locals, first appeared after strange glowing lights were seen in the sky over Ibiza Town last month.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Radioactive germs must have attached themselves to the genitals of a local lothario, or skank.
"It will then have mutated to monstrous proportions in the dank, soggy heat of an Ibiza foam party."
Amateur footage, filmed by a local bar owner, shows Crotchzilla swatting police helicopters out of the sky and crushing British-themed bars underfoot.
One eye-witness said: "It was a bit like Cloverfield but with more suppurating genital sores."
The Foreign Office said it was now inevitable the monster would reach the UK hidden inside a set of holidaymaker's arsetraps.
A spokesman said: "We are at the mercy of Crotchzilla. All it will take is the combination of a warm, humid summer and our in-built need to fuck anything that moves after two bottles of pear cider."