Mika’s Voice Can Cure Cancer, Say Docs

A PATIENT suffering from colon cancer has become the first to have their tumour destroyed by Mika's voice, it was confirmed last night.

An excruciatingly painful course of Mika

Specialists played songs from the singer's last album Let Me Annoy the Shit Out of You through an ultrasound device until the cancer cells started imploding violently.

Oncologist Professor Bill McKay said: "The glass-cutting falsetto on Happy Clappy Bellend and I Love Boys (But Not In That Way) were most effective in reversing the tumour's growth.

"The intense pitch and frequency of the noise irritated the cancer cells until they effectively started to commit suicide.

"Indeed a member of the surgical team had to be replaced half way through the procedure after he tried to saw his own head off."

He added: "It seems that Mika's voice is a bit like intensive radiation therapy, in the sense that it induces copious projectile vomiting and makes all your teeth fall out."

Meanwhile scientists at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland are to conduct a series of experiments in a bid to capture the energy released by incredibly annoying music.

Dr Tom Logan said: "We're going to mix Morrissey's Suedehead with REM's Shiny Happy People. The only downside is that it may cause a molecular paradox that will unravel the very fabric of the cosmos.

"Of course in the process it will also unravel the very fabric of Mika, but isn't that what we all want?"