the dailymash

Health secretary Andy Burnham said the characters will take control of the eight worst performing NHS primary care trusts in England and Wales and drive-up standards through the use of Spinning Bird Kicks, Yoga Flames and the slightly rubbish Hundred Hand Slap.

Blanka, E Honda, Guile, Ken, Ryu, Chun-Li, Dhalsim and Zangief, will work with existing NHS management to establish the most successful combination of blows to bring under-performing staff back into line.

A department of health spokesman said: "Blanka believes his ability to crouch on the floor and turn himself into a deadly lightning ball will reduce absentee rates in Devon and Cornwall by around 20%.

"It may be that negligent surgeons will require a flurry of jabs to the face, followed by a glowing ball of energy that will set their clothes on fire and put them into a coma. In which case we would use Ken or Ryu."

David Reese, a long-term patient whose body was nearly cut off in a line-dancing accident, backed the reforms, adding: "If Dhalsim is on the ward billowing fire continuously from his mouth, then I might finally get a Scrabble set with none of the vowels missing."

Guile, 25, an American GI who can break the sound barrier with his kicks, said: "If I discover any patients lying in their own excrement under my goddam watch, I'm gonna pull someone's windpipe out and use it as a goddam condom. Stat."

The Steet-Fighter 2 strategy follows last year's bid to improve nursing standards with the introduction of an army of 50m tall mega-matrons based on the Tansformer Optimus Prime.

The machines did the job of 100 standard nurses, but were later decommissioned for taking too many gigantic cigarette breaks.