NHS to focus on young, healthy people

THE National Health Service is to save up to £30 a year by specialising in
asking 25 year-old gym teachers if they’re feeling okay.

Specially trained to ask gym teachers if they're a bit tired

As NHS trusts admitted that looking after old people was annoying and expensive, managers stressed that resources would be far better spent on young healthy people who do not need to be in a hospital.

Bill McKay, director of clinical meetings at Peterborough Royal Infirmary, said: “Some of the meetings we have had in the last year have made us realise that we need to spend more time discussing healthy young people and what they need from the NHS.

“At a pre-meeting last week it was suggested that the average young person who has no physical ailments whatsoever is being scandalously neglected by our care infrastructure.

“I would stress that it was only a pre-meeting, so it wasn’t as if there was any discussion about how a decision would be made, but if this makes it on to the agenda of a full meeting we could be looking at nothing short of a full-scale re-purposing of our resource target philosophy.”

Jane Thompson, a healthiness arranger at Doncaster General, said: “For every one old person who pees the bed and might die at the drop of hat there are 20 or 30 young, fit people who do not need to come anywhere near the building.

“We can save up to £20 or even £25 pounds a year if we take the money we spend on old people and their low-quality, painful bodies and resource target it at someone who’s absolutely fine.

“So instead of forcing a nurse to spoon custard into a pensioner that badly needs a wash, that same nurse could be on a cycling holiday with a group of 25 year-olds telling them how great they are and bringing them juice.”