Of course it was beansprouts

AN inquiry was launched last night into why it has taken more than a week to trace the Ecoli outbreak to the foulest of all vegetables.

Future generations will scarce believe this was food

As hundreds of innocent cucumbers were dragged behind horses through the streets of Hamburg, beansprouts, the weasels of the vegetable kingdom, watched and cackled from an upstairs window.

But now the tasteless, wind-inducing perverts are on the run after scientists confirmed what everyone had suspected all along.

Roy Hobbs, an amateur biologist from Grantham, said: “Of course it was. Why do we always try to be too clever? Will we never learn that in any potentially complicated situation the most obvious answer is always the right one?

“I said to my wife last week, ‘I tell you now, this is beansprouts and we appease them at our peril’.”

He added: “It’s probably too late to stop them. The genie is well and truly out of the bottle of beansprouts. That said, I think  we should still take this opportunity to put all the vegetarians in special camps.”

Meanwhile, the discovery is a victory for Tom Logan, a wild-eyed, unshaven man who has been standing on a wooden box in Parliament Square for the last 10 days wearing a placard which reads ‘yeah, and ye shall know its name and it shall be beansprouts’.

He said: “They will come unto us in their little tinfoil boxes after being cooked by busy, no-nonsense Chinese people who we are too scared to argue with.

“They will worm their way into our gentle stomachs and ferment their evil and we will be sore afraid and gassy.

“But through faith, and perhaps having the fried noodles instead, we can send them back to hell.”