Health

Woman on diet has lost one and a half friends since start of January

A WOMAN on a new diet has already seen her social engagements slimmed down dramatically.

Boyfriend gets massage right by total accident

A MAN has given his girlfriend a satisfactory massage completely by chance.

Human suffering not profitable enough

THE operator of Britain’s only privately-run NHS hospital has admitted that it is struggling to make enough money out of human misery.

Binge-watchers limited to 21 units of US drama a week

DOCTORS advising against binge-watching high-quality US dramas have introduced a limit of 21 units a week, or 18 for women.

A&E waiting times would improve if you weren’t such idiots, say experts

ACCIDENT and emergency waiting times have worsened because Britain is so full of cretins, experts have confirmed.

Non-alcoholics enjoying pretend battle with drink

'TAKING a month off' is allowing moderate drinkers to experience a thrilling pretend struggle with alcohol, it has emerged.

Everyone to live an extra six hate-filled years

THE average life expectancy has increased by six bitter, ignorant years since 1990, researchers have found.

Women told to give birth in safari parks

PREGNANT women have been advised to forget boring hospitals and to go into labour in nightclubs, on trains and in safari parks instead.