Health

Andrew Lansley to watch you while you sleep

HEALTH secretary Andrew Lansley is to sit next to hospital patients, looking at them while they sleep.

Scientists warn of fog metaphors

EXPERTS have warned the dense fog over greater London will be used as a metaphor.

Middle class ketamine users 'risk delusions of cool'

RECREATIONAL sedative ketamine can induce the false belief of coolness in well-heeled teenagers, scientists have claimed.

Lansley sets 18 week hospital closure deadline

HEALTH secretary Andrew Lansley has pledged that nobody should wait more than 18 weeks before their local hospital is closed.

Poor people's car windows open too, doctors told

JAGUARS are not the only cars with fully opening windows, doctors have been told.

Scotland 'needs another Waitrose'

SCOTLAND could prevent up to 40,000 deaths a year if it had another Waitrose, experts have claimed.

Malingerers prescribed a course of hippies

DOCTORS are hoping to reduce the number of patients with back complaints by forcing them to listen to hippies.

Unease as Jamie Oliver becomes most sensible person in country

BRITAIN was today coming to terms with the possibility that Jamie Oliver is the only person currently making any sense.