Health

Sanctimonious tools live longer

LOOKING down your nose at normal people can add 10 years to your life, say researchers.

New hormone test offers married men timetable of misery

FEMALE hormone tests can now accurately predict the rate at which a man's life will fall to bits.

Childhood eating disorders may be caused by shit food, say experts

CHILDHOOD eating disorders may be caused by giving them plate after plate of food that is just shit, experts have claimed.

Ketamine 'works like ITV2'

RECREATIONAL mule tranquiliser ketamine affects the mind in a similar way to programmes about Peter Andre, experts have claimed.

Britain wakes up to find hospitals missing

BRITAIN'S hospitals have been replaced by massive holes in the ground, it has emerged.

Thing is, you might get hit by a bus tomorrow, say doctors

YOU never know what's going to happen so you might as well eat a load of crisps, doctors said last night.

Bumping off elderly relatives easier than ever

MURDERING an ageing relative has never been simpler, it was confirmed last night.

Celebrity culture making women feel insufficiently stupid

WOMAN are being pressurised into emulating unrealistic levels of brainless folly, according to a new report.