Health

Elderly to get daily ghost pranks

ELDERLY people are to get vital heart exercise from people jumping out of their cupboards dressed as the undead.

Britain sleeping in fridge

THE entire population of the UK has moved downstairs to sleep inside the fridge.

Avoid all sunlight forever, say goths

GOTHS have warned against exposure to sunlight during and after the heatwave.

Plain cigarette packaging to be designed by Apple’s Jony Ive

DESIGN guru Jony Ive, the man behind the iPod and iPhone, has signed up to design the new featureless cigarette packaging.

Steroids confirmed as this generation's Ecstasy

MUSCLE-BUILDING steroids have been confirmed as this decade's defining drug.

One in five hospitals not actually hospitals

MORE than 20% of buildings that claim to be hospitals are nothing of the kind, it has emerged.

Health campaigners may actually be insane

FANATICAL public health campaigners may be mentally ill, it has emerged.

Lard back in fashion as a lubricant

PIG fat is back in vogue as a sexual lubricant, it has emerged.