Health

All mobiles deadly except bankers'

HAVING a mobile phone strapped to your head will produce money-making brain vitamins, investment bankers were assured last night.

Made-up medicine works on made-up illnesses

ACUPUNCTURE has been shown to be extremely effective amongst people who have nothing wrong with them.

UK's millionth stomach pumping marked with giant piss up

BRITAIN'S accident and emergency units were in party mode last night, celebrating a seven-figure landmark in the number of semi-comatose people having pipes stuck up their noses.

Brown dress fails to make it all better

THOUSANDS of women who bought a light brown dress have found that they are still not princesses.

Food intolerances linked to inability to shut your face

PEOPLE who believe they are intolerant to certain foods have been advised to stop going on about it.

Increased drinking caused by cancer fears

PEOPLE are drinking more to distract themselves from constantly worrying about cancer.

Doctors turn down money

DOCTORS have rejected an opportunity to make more money, it has emerged.

Bieber-fever a sexually transmitted disease, say experts

'BIEBER fever' is a sexually transmitted bacterial infection, scientists have confirmed.