Health

Unease as Jamie Oliver becomes most sensible person in country

BRITAIN was today coming to terms with the possibility that Jamie Oliver is the only person currently making any sense.

NHS to focus on young, healthy people

THE National Health Service is to save up to £30 a year by specialising in asking 25 year-old gym teachers if they're feeling okay.

Most people still think organs might be handy after death

THE majority of potential organ donors would prefer to keep hold of their body parts until they are fully decomposed, just in case.

Fury as EU stops three year-old from choking

THE European Union has been accused of nanny state meddling after giving the Heimlich manoeuvre to a three year-old.

Cameron to cut deficit with dodgy ham

DAVID Cameron is to cut the deficit by removing at least 30% of Britain with catastrophically out-of-date pork products.

Scientists discover the risible excuse gene

RESEARCHERS have isolated the strand of DNA responsible for people denying responsibility for anything.

Sanctimonious tools live longer

LOOKING down your nose at normal people can add 10 years to your life, say researchers.

New hormone test offers married men timetable of misery

FEMALE hormone tests can now accurately predict the rate at which a man's life will fall to bits.