Health

Nursing Degree Will Make British Hospitals Deadliest In The World, Pledges NHS

NURSES are to undergo a rigorous three-year degree as the NHS launches a new drive to kill people more efficiently.

Child Anvil Injuries At Record High

VIOLENCE in cartoons is causing children to drop massive anvils on each others' heads, stockpile TNT or mess around with huge magnets, a new report has warned.

Parents Must Allow Children Sex Education Once They’re Already Having Sex

PARENTS' rights to withdraw their children from sex education will stop once the youngsters are already experienced in Dutch steamboating and the reverse clambake, the Government said last night.

Britain's Children Can't Get Any Fatter, Say Experts

BRITAIN'S children are close to reaching their critical mass, according to a new scientific report.

Ecstasy Is Mental, Says Drugs Czar

THE government's chief advisor on drugs has described his first Ecstasy experience as 'utterly, utterly mental'.

NHS Stands By Decision To Employ Bats

NHS officials have defended their decision to employ thousands of bats at a Scottish hospital.

Anti-Cocaine Vaccine 'Wonderfully Moreish'

A NEW vaccine designed to treat cocaine addiction also produces a pleasant, drifty feeling that you could very easily get used to, it emerged last night.

Fatties Urged To Buy Mirrors Instead Of Pies

MOST fat people are unaware they are overweight because they spend all their money on cheesy pies instead of a mirror, according to a new survey.