Health

Chunky Children Ever So Jolly

OVERWEIGHT children are three times more likely to be jolly than their slender counterparts, according to new research.

Parliament Emitting Angry Purple Aura, Say Homeopaths

MEMBERS of Parliament who criticised homeopathy have badly knotted chakras and are emitting an unhealthy purple aura, it was claimed last night.

BBC To Offer More Crone-Based Programming

HAGS and crones will take centre stage in the BBC's spring schedule as the corporation announces a big increase in witch-themed programming.

Typical Lunch Box More Nutritious Than Its Contents

THE average school lunch box now contains at least three items that, technically, are not food, according to a new survey.

Daily Mail Readers Being Fed Through A Tube

A GROWING number of Daily Mail readers are being fed through a tube to save money, doctors claimed last night.

Fat People Still Need To Be Told

MOST fat people still have no idea that they are fat despite the overwhelming quantity of visual evidence, according to a new report.

Drinkers Keep Faith With Bullshit Hangover Cures

MOST people still cling to the belief that you can drink four bottles of cheap red wine and feel fine the next day if you have a special magic breakfast, according to a new survey.

Children Must Work Off Cost Of Flu Jab, Say Docs

CHILDREN under five who receive swine flu vaccinations will have to work for their local GP until the debt is paid, it emerged last night.