Health

Fat Causes Fatness, Say Experts

THE fat that is in food could be the same as the fat that is in people, experts claimed last night.

GPs To Rate Patients On The Basis Of Leaving Them Alone

GP waiting times are to be scrapped so doctors can prioritise based on a patient's potential to disrupt their wine shopping.

NHS Hospitals 'Better Than Being Homeless', Claims Lunatic

SPENDING the night in an NHS hospital is better than living on the street, according to Britain's most demented vagrant.

Britain To Make Its Own Booze From Leftover KFC And Pizza Crusts

BRITAIN has vowed to beat any alcohol price hike by distilling its own booze from junk food leftovers.

Feral Nurses To Be Culled

FERAL packs of surplus nurses are to be culled by NHS managers.

Hunt For Swine Flu Vaccine Receipt Intensifies

GOVERNMENT health officials say the receipt for 30 million useless swine flu vaccines is definitely around somewhere.

Male Sex Addicts Cured By 'Mamma Mia!'

MALE sex addicts are being cured of their impulsive desire for women by watching the smash hit musical Mamma Mia!

Masterchef Upgraded To Class B Drug

THE tedious but powerfully addictive BBC cooking series Masterchef is to be upgraded to a class B controlled substance, it emerged last night.