This is not the year you'll get thin, say doctors

DOCTORS have declared that any attempts to lose weight in 2014 are doomed.

Government only wants you healthy so that you keep doing work

THE government is only trying to keep you alive so you can continue working, it has emerged.

Christmas jumpers contain dangerous levels of irony

CONSUMERS have been warned about fashionable 'bad jumpers' which contain too many layers of irony.

Fags good for you after all, say doctors

CIGARETTES are a health boon, according to doctors.

Pulled pork 'does not make you more manly'

FASHIONABLE meat meals like pulled pork, steaks and 'barbecue' do not confer manly qualities, it has emerged.

A & E introduces leech tier

A & E DEPARTMENTS are to offer an 'express tier' of medieval-style leech treatment.

Healthy breakfast eater’s life still shit

OFFICE worker Tom Logan’s life is still shit despite him eating a nutritious breakfast every day.

Cold carriers face legal action

ANYONE catching a cold can sue the person who gave it to them, according to an EU ruling.