Health

Parents Must Allow Children Sex Education Once They’re Already Having Sex

PARENTS' rights to withdraw their children from sex education will stop once the youngsters are already experienced in Dutch steamboating and the reverse clambake, the Government said last night.

Britain's Children Can't Get Any Fatter, Say Experts

BRITAIN'S children are close to reaching their critical mass, according to a new scientific report.

Ecstasy Is Mental, Says Drugs Czar

THE government's chief advisor on drugs has described his first Ecstasy experience as 'utterly, utterly mental'.

NHS Stands By Decision To Employ Bats

NHS officials have defended their decision to employ thousands of bats at a Scottish hospital.

Anti-Cocaine Vaccine 'Wonderfully Moreish'

A NEW vaccine designed to treat cocaine addiction also produces a pleasant, drifty feeling that you could very easily get used to, it emerged last night.

Fatties Urged To Buy Mirrors Instead Of Pies

MOST fat people are unaware they are overweight because they spend all their money on cheesy pies instead of a mirror, according to a new survey.

Satanist Nurse Faces Sack For Summoning Demon

A SATAN-worshipping nurse is facing the sack after summoning flesh-eating homunculi during working hours.

French Vindicated By Manky Shower Study

AVERAGE life expectancy can be extended by up to 10 years as long as you are willing to reek like a Frenchman, it was claimed last night.