Health

New Emergency Number For Halfwits

THE department of health last night unveiled a non-emergency alternative to 999 for the thousands of people who call in everyday to say their leg feels funny.

Fun Causes Cancer, Say Docs

A LIFE of po-faced self-denial and thinking that animals are people can reduce the risk of cancer, doctors have claimed.

All Childrens Parties A Bad Idea, Say Docs

SWINE flu parties for children are exactly as bad as any other party filled with jam-covered little shits fucking-up your widescreen television, doctors said last night.

Mega-Clap Terrorises Ibiza

A MUTANT strain of gonorrhoea has laid waste to large sections of Ibiza and is threatening to invade the UK this summer, experts have warned.

Wear Ear Protection During Pig Sex, Farmers Warned

FARMERS who copulate with pigs risk permanent deafness from the animals' frenzied squealing, according to latest guidelines from the Health and Safety Executive.

Fat People Eating Shitloads Of Soup

AS new research revealed that eating soup could help with weight loss, greedy, fat people across Britain have set about devouring shitloads of the stuff.

Food Companies Forced To Replace Salt With Flavour

FOOD manufacturers will be forced to replace salt with food that tastes of things, it emerged last night.

Pandemic Obviously Not What You Thought It Was

THE World Health Organisation has confirmed that a pork flu pandemic is now imminent, raising fears that millions of people obviously have no idea what a pandemic is.