Health

Anti-Cocaine Vaccine 'Wonderfully Moreish'

A NEW vaccine designed to treat cocaine addiction also produces a pleasant, drifty feeling that you could very easily get used to, it emerged last night.

Fatties Urged To Buy Mirrors Instead Of Pies

MOST fat people are unaware they are overweight because they spend all their money on cheesy pies instead of a mirror, according to a new survey.

Satanist Nurse Faces Sack For Summoning Demon

A SATAN-worshipping nurse is facing the sack after summoning flesh-eating homunculi during working hours.

French Vindicated By Manky Shower Study

AVERAGE life expectancy can be extended by up to 10 years as long as you are willing to reek like a Frenchman, it was claimed last night.

Do We Really Need Doctors? Asks Britain

THERE were calls last night for a national debate over whether or not Britain really needs doctors.

Fewer Doctors Needed To Treat More Patients, Claims Report

THE fewer NHS doctors and nurses you have the more patients you can treat, according to a government commissioned report.

New NHS Reforms To Be Led By Characters From Streetfighter 2

THE ailing NHS is to be kicked into shape using an array of characters from Street-Fighter 2, it was confirmed last night.

People Who Snore Are Just Being Shits, Say Docs

A STUDY of habitual snorers has found that they do it just to be a right pain in the arse.