Health

Fat People Unable To Count To Two, Say Experts

FAT people will automatically lose weight if manufacturers reduce the size of chocolate bars, according to the Food Standards Agency.

 

New Crackdown On Orange People

BRITAIN'S orange people are to be banned from enclosed public places under tough new laws, it emerged last night.

Huge Increase In People Who Have Totally Got Swine Flu

THE number of people who have totally got that swine flu thing is set to explode over the next few days, it was claimed last night.

Concern Grows Over Lack Of Panic

CONCERN was growing last night that the British public is not freaking out quite as much as it was supposed to.

Swine Flu Catches Cherie Blair

SWINE flu is on the verge of a hideous and unstoppable mutation after contracting a virulent case of Cherie Blair, scientists have warned.

Women To Force Hat-Stand Into Anus Of Male Midwife

THE senior male midwife who criticised child-birth painkillers will today have a hat-stand forced into his anus, women have promised.

Swine Flu Slowly Catching Up With Diarrhoea And Hiccups

THE number of cases of swine flu could catch up with the number of cases of hiccups and diarrhoea, given 10-12 years, doctors have claimed.

New Emergency Number For Halfwits

THE department of health last night unveiled a non-emergency alternative to 999 for the thousands of people who call in everyday to say their leg feels funny.