Health

New Superbug Is Foreign As Well

THE deadly new superbug that is going kill you by Friday is not even British, it emerged last night.

You First, Men Tell Bundchen

GISELE Bundchen has been urged to boost her breastfeeding campaign by coming to people's houses and showing them how it's done.

Doctors Call For End To NHS Witch-Bobbing

FUNDING for crone divination should be scrapped, the British Medical Council said last night.

Fat Causes Fatness, Say Experts

THE fat that is in food could be the same as the fat that is in people, experts claimed last night.

GPs To Rate Patients On The Basis Of Leaving Them Alone

GP waiting times are to be scrapped so doctors can prioritise based on a patient's potential to disrupt their wine shopping.

NHS Hospitals 'Better Than Being Homeless', Claims Lunatic

SPENDING the night in an NHS hospital is better than living on the street, according to Britain's most demented vagrant.

Britain To Make Its Own Booze From Leftover KFC And Pizza Crusts

BRITAIN has vowed to beat any alcohol price hike by distilling its own booze from junk food leftovers.

Feral Nurses To Be Culled

FERAL packs of surplus nurses are to be culled by NHS managers.