Cigarettes not harmful if someone else bought them

CIGARETTES only damage your health if you paid for them, it has been confirmed.

Someone on Facebook has been for a run

SOMEONE on Facebook has been for a big run while you were lying in bed, it has been confirmed.

Friday night’s hangover still hanging around

A HANGOVER which began early on Saturday morning is showing no signs of going anywhere late into Sunday.

Northern gonorrhoea hard as nails

THE North’s sexually transmitted diseases can beat any antibiotic on the market without putting their pints down, doctors have confirmed.

Mummy drinking whole bottle of grown-up Ribena before teatime

MUMMIES are very thirsty for their special Ribena in the afternoon, children have confirmed.

Women convinced that ‘hovering’ is a legitimate way to use a toilet

MILLIONS of otherwise rational women are trying to use toilets without touching them.

Woman not delighted to discover she is subject of stock photo illustrating ‘obesity’

A 43-YEAR-OLD woman has discovered that her stomach has become the standard image that illustrates news articles about obesity.

Obesity ‘can cause sanctimonious, idiotic advice’

BEING overweight can lead to bad advice from idiots who are suddenly experts on diet and exercise.