Health

30-year-old man unveils plan to just get fatter and fatter

A 30-YEAR-OLD man has announced that he will be getting fatter and fatter over the coming decades.

Cyclist knocks 0.3 seconds off commute with skintight lycra bodysuit

A CYCLIST has achieved a new personal best by commuting to work in a skintight lycra bodysuit that shows the exact outline of his penis.

We might be forced to talk to patients, say terrified senior doctors

SENIOR doctors have condemned plans for strike action by junior colleagues because it may lead to them communicating directly with patients.

Concern grows for man seen buying incense sticks

A MAN has bought some sandalwood-scented joss sticks, according to concerned onlookers.

NHS to go underground by 2020

THE NHS will be an illegal underground network of flooded black-market hospitals manned by sinister masked surgeons by 2020, it has emerged.

So I guess we’re staying out now, says third pint

A MAN’S third pint explained in a friendly but firm voice that he would be staying out for the rest of the evening, it has emerged.

Hedgerows taste better than kale, say people who eat a lot of kale

A PLATEFUL of shrubbery tastes nicer than the ‘superfood’ kale, according to people who eat a large amount of kale.

Everyone secretly addicted to 35p non-brand energy drinks

EVERYONE in Britain is secretly drinking 15-20 cans of cheap, unbranded energy drinks a day, it has been confirmed.