Health

Tories unveil brilliant 'Porridge for Breakfast' policy

THE Conservatives have perfected a new, vote-winning policy that everyone must have porridge for breakfast.

Smokers reclaim rightful ownership of beer gardens

SMOKERS have reclaimed their rightful ownership of all outdoor territory surrounding pubs following a drop in temperature.

Man accidentally joins conversation about Mooncups

A 31 YEAR-OLD man has been left with post-traumatic stress disorder after accidentally joining female colleagues in a conversation about Mooncups.

Couple who ‘only smoke when drinking’ drinking a lot

A COUPLE who claim to only to have the occasional cigarette with a glass of wine appear to be drinking six nights a week, friends have noticed.

Obese people just need cookery classes, claims patronising arsehole

DOCTORS have been ordered to refer obese patients to cookery classes by a horrendously patronising posh arsehole in government somewhere.

Women go off sex because it is silly

WOMEN lose interest in sex during long-term relationships because the whole thing is just silly, a survey has found.

Former raver can no longer handle Red Bull

A MIDDLE-AGED former raver can no longer cope with the physical and psychological effects of a can of Red Bull, he has admitted.

Junior doctor accompanied by 12 medical students tells patient to 'relax'

A PATIENT surrounded by a junior doctor and a crowd of eager young medical students has been told to 'just relax'.