Health

Colds and flu not even vaguely similar

PEOPLE with colds who claim to have the flu have been reminded that the two things are entirely f*cking different.

Dieter has already lost one and a half friends since start of January

A WOMAN who has embarked on a new diet is already seeing her social engagements dramatically slimmed down.

Boyfriend gets massage right by total accident

A MAN has given his girlfriend a satisfactory massage completely by chance.

Human suffering not profitable enough

THE operator of Britain’s only privately-run NHS hospital has admitted that it is struggling to make enough money out of human misery.

Binge-watchers limited to 21 units of US drama a week

DOCTORS advising against binge-watching high-quality US dramas have introduced a limit of 21 units a week, or 18 for women.

A&E waiting times would improve if you weren’t such idiots, say experts

ACCIDENT and emergency waiting times have worsened because Britain is so full of cretins, experts have confirmed.

Non-alcoholics enjoying pretend battle with drink

'TAKING a month off' is allowing moderate drinkers to experience a thrilling pretend struggle with alcohol, it has emerged.

Everyone to live an extra six hate-filled years

THE average life expectancy has increased by six bitter, ignorant years since 1990, researchers have found.