Government hoping you die soon

WITH death rates at their lowest ever level, the government is encouraging you to die.

You're covered in shit, say experts

FOR Christ's sake stop touching each other with your filthy hands, experts have warned.

Switzerland doesn't give a shit what you think

COMPLAIN all you want, Switzerland doesn't care, it emerged last night.

Cats indifferent to your fate

REPORTS that a cat-borne parasite can seriously harm humans have been greeted with indifference by cats.

Low standards key to a good sex life

EXTREMELY low standards in your choice of partner are the key to a good sex life, it has been claimed.

Baldness anxiety cured by not giving a shit

MALE hair loss-related anxiety can be cured by growing a pair of balls and getting on with it, it has emerged.

Blowjobs great for everyone

BLOWJOBS are the answer to all problems according to a new scientific study which every man in the Western world has circled in red in the Metro and presented eagerly to his partner.