Mika's Voice Can Cure Cancer, Say Docs

A PATIENT suffering from colon cancer has become the first to have their tumour destroyed by Mika's voice, it was confirmed last night.

Drinkers Abandon Exercise For Some More Drinking

RESEARCH showing that exercise cannot combat the effects of excessive alcohol has caused thousands of drinkers to decide not to bother.

Cancer Patients Must Win Drugs At Gypsy Fair

CANCER patients denied a life-extending drug on the NHS will be given the chance to win it by shooting at some tin cans with a wonky air gun.

Nursing Degree Will Make British Hospitals Deadliest In The World, Pledges NHS

NURSES are to undergo a rigorous three-year degree as the NHS launches a new drive to kill people more efficiently.

Child Anvil Injuries At Record High

VIOLENCE in cartoons is causing children to drop massive anvils on each others' heads, stockpile TNT or mess around with huge magnets, a new report has warned.

Parents Must Allow Children Sex Education Once They’re Already Having Sex

PARENTS' rights to withdraw their children from sex education will stop once the youngsters are already experienced in Dutch steamboating and the reverse clambake, the Government said last night.

Britain's Children Can't Get Any Fatter, Say Experts

BRITAIN'S children are close to reaching their critical mass, according to a new scientific report.

Ecstasy Is Mental, Says Drugs Czar

THE government's chief advisor on drugs has described his first Ecstasy experience as 'utterly, utterly mental'.