DAVID Cameron is to cut the deficit by removing at least 30% of Britain with catastrophically out-of-date pork products.
RESEARCHERS have isolated the strand of DNA responsible for people denying responsibility for anything.
LOOKING down your nose at normal people can add 10 years to your life, say researchers.
FEMALE hormone tests can now accurately predict the rate at which a man's life will fall to bits.
CHILDHOOD eating disorders may be caused by giving them plate after plate of food that is just shit, experts have claimed.
RECREATIONAL mule tranquiliser ketamine affects the mind in a similar way to programmes about Peter Andre, experts have claimed.
BRITAIN'S hospitals have been replaced by massive holes in the ground, it has emerged.
YOU never know what's going to happen so you might as well eat a load of crisps, doctors said last night.