Health

Pandemic Obviously Not What You Thought It Was

THE World Health Organisation has confirmed that a pork flu pandemic is now imminent, raising fears that millions of people obviously have no idea what a pandemic is.

Who Will Be The First Arsehole To Wear A Facemask?


AS the number of confirmed pork flu cases in the UK soared into single figures, millions of people across Britain were last night wondering who would be the first arsehole to start wearing a facemask.

Two Scottish People Feeling A Bit Run Down


THE government has raised its virus alert level to 'pantastic' after it was confirmed that two people in Scotland were hovering close to feeling slightly unwell.

Don't Panic But You Are Going To Die

PEOPLE across the world have been urged not to panic as experts warned that most of you would be dead by the end of this sentence.

NHS To Fund Paddy Field Birthing Pools


THE National Health service is to step-up its drive to encourage home births with the introduction of more than 300 Vietnam-style delivery ponds.

Jodie Marsh, Women Warned

AS the rate of skin cancer increases amongst young women, doctors have called for a nationwide information campaign starring creosoted glamour model Jodie Marsh.

Depressed Welsh Patients Prescribed Severn Bridge


DOCTORS in Wales are being urged to treat depression with a strong dose of the Severn Bridge.

Therapists Offer To Reduce Gayness To Weekends Only

MOST therapists claim they can help homosexuals to restrict their gayness to weekends only, according to new research.