Health

Smokers To Be Offered Ice Lollies And Cartoons

SMOKERS who quit the habit will be rewarded with ice lollies, extra cartoons and may even be allowed to stay up after 9pm.

Put A Bible Over Your Penis, Says Pope

POPE Benedict last night claimed that placing a bible over an erect penis before intercourse is the only guaranteed way to prevent the spread of Aids.

Stafford Hospital Still Better Than Homeopathy

AN NHS hospital which used untrained receptionists to treat patients still performed better than homeopathy, research shows.

Chief Medical Officer Denies Links To Skunk Industry

BRITAIN'S chief medical officer was last night forced to deny links to the international skunk trade after calling for the price of alcohol to be doubled.

Is It Time To Tax The Shit Out Of Doctors?

DOCTORS should be taxed every time they open their fat, smug, overpaid mouths, it was claimed last night.

Injecting Foul Smelling Gas Directly Into Your Penis Will Improve Sex Life, Say Experts

INJECTING the foul stench of rotten eggs directly into your flaccid penis will soon replace Viagra as the world's leading treatment for erectile dysfunction, scientists claimed last night.

NHS To Use Staples For Everything

THE National Health Service is to start using staples for everything, doctors confirmed last night.

Try Not To Eat Liquid Cobalt, Say Nutritionists

EXPERTS last night removed eggs from the list of proscribed foodstuffs, but added a series of new mouth-based dangers including deep-fried bees, iron filings and industrial-grade liquid cobalt.