Health

Swine Flu Catches Cherie Blair

SWINE flu is on the verge of a hideous and unstoppable mutation after contracting a virulent case of Cherie Blair, scientists have warned.

Women To Force Hat-Stand Into Anus Of Male Midwife

THE senior male midwife who criticised child-birth painkillers will today have a hat-stand forced into his anus, women have promised.

Swine Flu Slowly Catching Up With Diarrhoea And Hiccups

THE number of cases of swine flu could catch up with the number of cases of hiccups and diarrhoea, given 10-12 years, doctors have claimed.

New Emergency Number For Halfwits

THE department of health last night unveiled a non-emergency alternative to 999 for the thousands of people who call in everyday to say their leg feels funny.

Fun Causes Cancer, Say Docs

A LIFE of po-faced self-denial and thinking that animals are people can reduce the risk of cancer, doctors have claimed.

All Childrens Parties A Bad Idea, Say Docs

SWINE flu parties for children are exactly as bad as any other party filled with jam-covered little shits fucking-up your widescreen television, doctors said last night.

Mega-Clap Terrorises Ibiza

A MUTANT strain of gonorrhoea has laid waste to large sections of Ibiza and is threatening to invade the UK this summer, experts have warned.

Wear Ear Protection During Pig Sex, Farmers Warned

FARMERS who copulate with pigs risk permanent deafness from the animals' frenzied squealing, according to latest guidelines from the Health and Safety Executive.