THE senior male midwife who criticised child-birth painkillers will today have a hat-stand forced into his anus, women have promised.
THE number of cases of swine flu could catch up with the number of cases of hiccups and diarrhoea, given 10-12 years, doctors have claimed.
THE department of health last night unveiled a non-emergency alternative to 999 for the thousands of people who call in everyday to say their leg feels funny.
A LIFE of po-faced self-denial and thinking that animals are people can reduce the risk of cancer, doctors have claimed.
SWINE flu parties for children are exactly as bad as any other party filled with jam-covered little shits fucking-up your widescreen television, doctors said last night.
A MUTANT strain of gonorrhoea has laid waste to large sections of Ibiza and is threatening to invade the UK this summer, experts have warned.
FARMERS who copulate with pigs risk permanent deafness from the animals' frenzied squealing, according to latest guidelines from the Health and Safety Executive.