NHS Hospitals 'Better Than Being Homeless', Claims Lunatic

SPENDING the night in an NHS hospital is better than living on the street, according to Britain's most demented vagrant.

Britain To Make Its Own Booze From Leftover KFC And Pizza Crusts

BRITAIN has vowed to beat any alcohol price hike by distilling its own booze from junk food leftovers.

Feral Nurses To Be Culled

FERAL packs of surplus nurses are to be culled by NHS managers.

Hunt For Swine Flu Vaccine Receipt Intensifies

GOVERNMENT health officials say the receipt for 30 million useless swine flu vaccines is definitely around somewhere.

Male Sex Addicts Cured By 'Mamma Mia!'

MALE sex addicts are being cured of their impulsive desire for women by watching the smash hit musical Mamma Mia!

Masterchef Upgraded To Class B Drug

THE tedious but powerfully addictive BBC cooking series Masterchef is to be upgraded to a class B controlled substance, it emerged last night.

Chunky Children Ever So Jolly

OVERWEIGHT children are three times more likely to be jolly than their slender counterparts, according to new research.

Parliament Emitting Angry Purple Aura, Say Homeopaths

MEMBERS of Parliament who criticised homeopathy have badly knotted chakras and are emitting an unhealthy purple aura, it was claimed last night.