Health

Don't Panic But You Are Going To Die

PEOPLE across the world have been urged not to panic as experts warned that most of you would be dead by the end of this sentence.

NHS To Fund Paddy Field Birthing Pools


THE National Health service is to step-up its drive to encourage home births with the introduction of more than 300 Vietnam-style delivery ponds.

Jodie Marsh, Women Warned

AS the rate of skin cancer increases amongst young women, doctors have called for a nationwide information campaign starring creosoted glamour model Jodie Marsh.

Depressed Welsh Patients Prescribed Severn Bridge


DOCTORS in Wales are being urged to treat depression with a strong dose of the Severn Bridge.

Therapists Offer To Reduce Gayness To Weekends Only

MOST therapists claim they can help homosexuals to restrict their gayness to weekends only, according to new research.

Smokers To Be Offered Ice Lollies And Cartoons

SMOKERS who quit the habit will be rewarded with ice lollies, extra cartoons and may even be allowed to stay up after 9pm.

Put A Bible Over Your Penis, Says Pope

POPE Benedict last night claimed that placing a bible over an erect penis before intercourse is the only guaranteed way to prevent the spread of Aids.

Stafford Hospital Still Better Than Homeopathy

AN NHS hospital which used untrained receptionists to treat patients still performed better than homeopathy, research shows.