Health

Complementary Therapists To Be Regulated By Witch Doctor

STRICT standards must be applied to alternative medicine, according to the voodoo priest who will run the UK's complementary therapy watchdog.

Clubbers Ditch Ketamine For Elephant Tranquilisers

YOUNG Britons are switching to elephant-based drugs after the horse tranquiliser Ketamine was officially designated as so last week.

Life Is Not Some Piece Of Shit Film, Women Told

WOMEN who think their relationships should mirror those in romantic comedies are pathetic, experts revealed last night.

Try Not To Vomit On Each Other, Say Docs

OFFICE workers can halt the spread of the winter vomiting virus by not vomiting on each other, doctors said last night.

Brown Sectioned

PRIME minister Gordon Brown was last night under observation in a London psychiatric hospital after claiming to be Spiderman.

NHS To Number Old People

ELDERLY people in hospital will be referred to by a number under new NHS guidelines.

Okay For Babies To Be Born Drunk, Say Docs

NEW evidence suggests it is safe for a baby to be born drunk, doctors said last night.

Artificial Heart Patients Will Have No Soul, Admit Docs

PATIENTS who are given artificial hearts will lose their soul, doctors admitted last night.