A LIFE of po-faced self-denial and thinking that animals are people can reduce the risk of cancer, doctors have claimed.
SWINE flu parties for children are exactly as bad as any other party filled with jam-covered little shits fucking-up your widescreen television, doctors said last night.
A MUTANT strain of gonorrhoea has laid waste to large sections of Ibiza and is threatening to invade the UK this summer, experts have warned.
FARMERS who copulate with pigs risk permanent deafness from the animals' frenzied squealing, according to latest guidelines from the Health and Safety Executive.
FOOD manufacturers will be forced to replace salt with food that tastes of things, it emerged last night.
AS the number of confirmed pork flu cases in the UK soared into single figures, millions of people across Britain were last night wondering who would be the first arsehole to start wearing a facemask.