HEALTH secretary Andrew Lansley has pledged that nobody should wait more than 18 weeks before their local hospital is closed.
JAGUARS are not the only cars with fully opening windows, doctors have been told.
SCOTLAND could prevent up to 40,000 deaths a year if it had another Waitrose, experts have claimed.
DOCTORS are hoping to reduce the number of patients with back complaints by forcing them to listen to hippies.
BRITAIN was today coming to terms with the possibility that Jamie Oliver is the only person currently making any sense.
THE National Health Service is to save up to £30 a year by specialising in asking 25 year-old gym teachers if they're feeling okay.
THE majority of potential organ donors would prefer to keep hold of their body parts until they are fully decomposed, just in case.
THE European Union has been accused of nanny state meddling after giving the Heimlich manoeuvre to a three year-old.