You're covered in shit, say experts

FOR Christ's sake stop touching each other with your filthy hands, experts have warned.

Switzerland doesn't give a shit what you think

COMPLAIN all you want, Switzerland doesn't care, it emerged last night.

Cats indifferent to your fate

REPORTS that a cat-borne parasite can seriously harm humans have been greeted with indifference by cats.

Low standards key to a good sex life

EXTREMELY low standards in your choice of partner are the key to a good sex life, it has been claimed.

Baldness anxiety cured by not giving a shit

MALE hair loss-related anxiety can be cured by growing a pair of balls and getting on with it, it has emerged.

Blowjobs great for everyone

BLOWJOBS are the answer to all problems according to a new scientific study which every man in the Western world has circled in red in the Metro and presented eagerly to his partner.

NHS to export death in a corridor

MARKETING consultants are to sell NHS neglect to foreign countries.