NHS hires doctors' relatives to ruin their weekends

DOCTORS who refuse to work weekends will have them ruined by tedious family occasions, under new NHS plans.

Mobile phone risks purely git-based

SCIENTISTS have confirmed that the only long term risk associated with mobile phones is gittishness.

Recession not stopping Britain from stuffing its fat face

RECESSION, austerity and reduced spending power have not stopped Britain from ramming calories into the front of its head, scientists have confirmed.

Pop videos to get IQ ratings

MUSIC videos are to be given IQ ratings to prevent frustration among the relatively intelligent.

Clinique unveils Face Holocaust for Men

THE war on blackheads will soon be won by Britain's men, with the help of Clinique's Nuclear Face Holocaust range.

Goading crocodiles every day 'makes you thinner'

PEOPLE who goad crocodiles for 30 minutes a day tend to weigh less than those who do not, according to new research.

Is it too late to give the Queen Mother an aspirin?

DOCTORS are under renewed pressure to give aspirin to the Queen Mother.

Diet industry and homeopaths to collaborate on biggest load of bollocks ever

TWO of Britain's biggest industries have teamed up to create 'dietopathy'.