Lansley sets 18 week hospital closure deadline

HEALTH secretary Andrew Lansley has pledged that nobody should wait more than 18 weeks before their local hospital is closed.

Poor people's car windows open too, doctors told

JAGUARS are not the only cars with fully opening windows, doctors have been told.

Scotland 'needs another Waitrose'

SCOTLAND could prevent up to 40,000 deaths a year if it had another Waitrose, experts have claimed.

Malingerers prescribed a course of hippies

DOCTORS are hoping to reduce the number of patients with back complaints by forcing them to listen to hippies.

Unease as Jamie Oliver becomes most sensible person in country

BRITAIN was today coming to terms with the possibility that Jamie Oliver is the only person currently making any sense.

NHS to focus on young, healthy people

THE National Health Service is to save up to £30 a year by specialising in asking 25 year-old gym teachers if they're feeling okay.

Most people still think organs might be handy after death

THE majority of potential organ donors would prefer to keep hold of their body parts until they are fully decomposed, just in case.

Fury as EU stops three year-old from choking

THE European Union has been accused of nanny state meddling after giving the Heimlich manoeuvre to a three year-old.