Health

Wanking Kills

MEN who spent their 20s and 30s in an endless cavalcade of frenzied masturbation will die because of it, according to a new study.

 

Daily Alcohol Limits Not Really Working For Us, Say Drinkers

THESE recommended daily limits on alcohol the government has come up with are really not doing it for us, drinkers said last night.

Doctors Recommend Kebabs For High Testicle Content

THE doner kebab is a nutritious snack filled with zinc and proteins from the compacted shavings of at least 14 different varieties of testicle, doctors said last night.

Women Hard-Wired For Cake

WOMEN'S brains are hard-wired for cake, new research shows.

Complementary Therapists To Be Regulated By Witch Doctor

STRICT standards must be applied to alternative medicine, according to the voodoo priest who will run the UK's complementary therapy watchdog.

Clubbers Ditch Ketamine For Elephant Tranquilisers

YOUNG Britons are switching to elephant-based drugs after the horse tranquiliser Ketamine was officially designated as so last week.

Life Is Not Some Piece Of Shit Film, Women Told

WOMEN who think their relationships should mirror those in romantic comedies are pathetic, experts revealed last night.

Try Not To Vomit On Each Other, Say Docs

OFFICE workers can halt the spread of the winter vomiting virus by not vomiting on each other, doctors said last night.